What About Now?
by SiriusUntiltheVeryEnd
Summary: She noticed him, of course she noticed him but Lily didn't let her gaze linger. She had always thought James was fit, but she didn't particularly want to. James Potter was trouble and she had enough problems.
1. Let It Go

_Remember what the people said,_

_Remember what the people said,_

_When it's said and done,_

_Let it go._

**-The Neighborhood-**

* * *

It was a Tuesday when she got the Owl, and now it was a Thursday and she was in a black dress.

She leaned back on the church bench with her jaw clenched and her arms locked around herself. In the distance she could hear her mother holding Petunia while she cried, but Lily didn't even bother to join them. Petunia had made it very clear that Lily wasn't welcome and she wasn't in any mood to push that. Most days she would either try to talk to her sister on a rational level or be flippantly unaffected in order to get under Petunia's skin. Today, she desired neither reaction. She'd rather not be anywhere near the pair of them if she was being perfectly honest, but they had to go dinner after with the whole extended family, all of which were so distantly related to her that she didn't even consider them family.

The worst thing was she didn't want to feel this way. She wanted to be the type of person who was just full of warmth and compassion. The person who would take care of her mother and sister despite all of the walls that had been built between them. But every time she considered rising, she'd see the casket and everything that was good inside of her would fall a part.

She loved her mother. Her mother was sweet, quiet and good hearted; it was she who took Lily school shopping every year without a single negative thought about it. But her mother always looked after Petunia first. She never said why, but Lily had learned at a young age, if it were between her and her sister, Lily would always be the one that had to suck it up. And right then, she couldn't do it.

Would her father judge her for that? No, he always was reassuring her to do the best she could and he would have understood. But that didn't help her escape her own conscience. She should have been stronger. She should have been better, but she just wasn't.

All she could see was her father's face, and remember how he used to read to her and Petunia every night when they were little. He started off with the basic fairytales, but then when they got older he would pick more difficult novels, by then Petunia insisted she was too old for her father to read to her. Lily was never too old; she would crawl into the space beside him on his old armchair and lean against his arm. The words of The Hobbit still sounded in her head and for a moment she worried, what if one day she wouldn't be able to hear it? What if one day she forgot what his voice sounded like?

The thought was impossible, how could she ever forget the voice of her dad? How could she forget the way he often cleared his throat to clear out the excess amounts of coffee or how when he laughed it was so loud and deep she'd hear it rooms away?

How could that be taken away too?

Lily cleared her throat, and stared straight ahead. Her hair was back in a tight, high ponytail and her mascara was running down the side of her face unbeknownst to her.

Down the aisle way, Dirk and Mary made their way over to Lily. Both casted a look in Mrs. Evans and Petunia's direction, Mary frowned uncomfortably.

"Should we…?"

Dirk shook his head, "Not a chance. If we pay our respects, Petunia will bite our heads off. Best go straight to Lily. We can go back when Linda is by herself."

"Okay, I don't want to offend anyone." Mary tiptoed behind him so the sound of her heels wouldn't carry.

They saw Lily shuddering, but noted that she didn't make a single noise. She was perfectly silent, but her crossed legs shook and her lips trembled together, white and horribly chapped.

"Hey," Dirk said, sinking down beside her. His green eyes scanned her face, while Mary moved to sit on her other side.

Mary put her hand on Lily's. "You ok?"

"I'm fine," She said dismissively, but she could barely get the words out.

Dirk and Mary shared a look before they both faced Lily and wrapped their arms around her.

Lily stammered, "You guys don't h-have to-"

"We know." Dirk said gently.

The minute, she placed her hands on theirs and began to cry. Not softly or cleanly, but unevenly and violently. They cradled around her, Dirk tucked her head under his, while Mary rubbed her back soothingly. She calmed down after a few minutes and pulled away from both of them. Mary took Dirk's handkerchief and wiped the make-up off Lily's face.

"There," Mary told her gently. "Better now."

Lily nodded, she didn't have the energy to say anything, but she knew they were aware of how grateful she was that they were there. After a few minutes they all stood up, and Lily took a deep breath.

"We will see you tonight." Dirk said, kissing her cheek, before Mary turned to Lily and did the same.

Lily nodded, her eyes filling with tears. "Bye."

* * *

"Are you sure you have to go?" Lily's mother Linda Evans said brushing Lily's hair back tenderly.

Lily nodded, forcing a smile on her face. "I have finals in two weeks. I can't miss anymore school this close to the end of the year."

"Alright, well I love you and I expect you to write to tell me you arrived safely. You'll be coming home soon?"

"Three weeks."

Mrs. Evans pulled her youngest into her arms and squeezed her tightly, in the tender way she always did. In those few moments, Lily felt the pain cease and felt like she could breathe again. Once her mother released her, she kissed the tip of Lily's nose and patted her on the shoulder.

"Show them what smart looks like dear."

This time Lily didn't have to force the smile, it came all on it's own. "Thanks, Mum. Love you too."

Lily stepped back, and stepped into the fireplace, her hand full of floo powder. Out of the corner of the living room she saw her sister peeking out of the hallway. For a second there was a sinking feeling in the center of her stomach, compelling her, imploring her to go to her sister, to put aside the past five years and go to her. The second Lily moved forward however her sister's footsteps echoed in the hallway declaring her exit loud and clear.

Mrs. Evans's face dropped, but she said nothing, she merely left the room. She could have been going anywhere, but Lily knew her mother was going after her sister.

"Naturally," Lily laughed to herself humorlessly, before stepping back and dropping the floo powder. "Hogwarts."

When she arrived in the Headmaster's office the Headmaster was nowhere to be found. She awkwardly teetered around the room, not wanting to just come and go rudely but not really sure what the exact procedure for this was. Fumbling with the edges of her shirt, Lily rolled her lips together and glanced around; Dumbledore's office was odd to say the least. McGonagall's office had nearly as many books, but not as many contraptions lying around. Her curiosity kicked in for a moment when she saw an ordinary mini-telescope near the edge of the room, but just when her fingers brushed the air above it she recoiled.

"Better not," She muttered to herself, laughing slightly before leaving the room altogether.

Heading down the stairs, she left through the Gargoyle entrance and traveled down the corridor to the staircase. Her feet lead her, while her brain took a bit of a vacation. It was quite a few staircases to get up to the dorms, and Lily found that she had more than enough on her mind to occupy walking and waiting for the staircases to move to the floor she needed.

When she reached the last floor, she moved for the last staircase when she heard a commotion coming from down the hall. It should have been empty. It was well after school night curfew, so ideally no one should have been up. Her first instinct was that the Marauder's were just planning a prank or doing whatever it was they did when she wasn't around, but once she heard yelling and saw the hall flicker with the tint of some nasty hexes, Lily changed course with her wand raised.

Racing into the corridor, she didn't really know what she was thinking. Maybe she wasn't thinking at all, but it was her impulse to move forward and it proved justified when she found three Slytherin's cornering a Gryffindor.

"OY!" Lily yelled loudly. "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!"

For some reason she thought that would stop them, but instead all of their wands turned on her. "Crap." Lily ducked just as three spells shot her way.

Impulsively, she immobilized one of them and then shouted, "Expelliarmus!"

Then the Gryffindor rose from the floor, snatched the wand out of the air and used his free arm punch the last Slytherin in the face, knocking him clear out. Wiping the blood off his jaw, he picked up his wand and stupefied the last man standing. For a split second she couldn't recognize who it was until the others cleared away.

There, in all his glory was James Potter, half delirious and covered in his own blood. Exasperated, Lily tentatively moved forward and caught him as he attempted to stumble forward.

"Potter, what-?"

"Please," He sighed tiredly, "Not now, Evans."

Lily shrugged her shoulders, took his arm and put it around her shoulder to support his weight.

"What are you doing?" He questioned in bewilderment.

"…Helping you get to the hospital wing."

"I'm not going there."

"Potter-"

James's voice dropped, "Please, Lily just help me back to the dorm."

The dorm was closer, and the direction she was originally heading to begin with. So that added with her own exhaustion and need to crawl into her bed helped his case immensely, but his face was pretty broken up and she was pretty sure he had more damage than that. Her conscience turned on for a second, it told her that he needed to go to the hospital wing. Regardless of what he said he obviously needed medical attention and if she took him back to the dorms he could make it worse.

But then she did the stupidest thing. She looked at him.

"But what about-?"

"I'll be fine."

His glasses were cracked, and his hair was damp from sweat, but his eyes, his hazel eyes were the only thing about him that always seemed…earnest. His lips often were in the shape of a smirk, sneer or egotistical grin, but his eyes displayed a kindness, a kindness that was disarmingly genuine and caused all logic to leave her.

"Fine, let's go."

* * *

Lily timidly locked one hand around his wrist and the other around his waist. He winced, "Not so tight."

"Sorry," She loosened her grip as they began to walk, "I just didn't want you to fall."

"Thanks." He said offhandedly.

Lily nodded, while they went up the staircase slowly. "No problem."

They stayed perfectly quiet and for a minute Lily almost forgot who he was. She'd seen him with his friends, with girls, with teachers, but he was always loud and full of life. She'd never seen him just…polite and not obnoxious. It was kind of …nice. For a few moments, she didn't have to feel badly about stealing glances at him because he wasn't doing anything wrong. She could feel the muscles under his shirt, without telling herself she shouldn't be attracted to him. It was nice break, it was like for an instant they were in a parallel universe where he wasn't a show off prick and she didn't have to be mean to him. They could just walk and that could be it.

Though the closer they got to the portrait hole the more her cheeks became inflamed by her proximity to him. It was one thing to help him, it was quite another to be able to smell his cologne and now know what it felt like to have his arm wrapped around hers. Lily allowed the thoughts to continue, it was a welcome distraction from everything that had been circling around in her mind.

When they walked through the portrait hole, Mary was waiting up for her. She looked barely awake; her dark face was half hidden in a book on Greek Mythology, but once she heard the creak of the door she became alert. Her expression switched from interest to confusion in barely any time at all when she saw James's arm around Lily's.,

"I'll be back," Lily told Mary curtly. "I just have to drop, Potter off with Black."

Mary eyed the scene with apprehension. "…okay."

Lily was more than aware that Mary's light brown eyes followed her and James up the staircase, but she didn't have the energy to care. She'd explain it to her in a minute anyway; there was no reason to make a fuss. Lily was just helping James, nothing more than that.

When they were nearly at the last step, James began to tense up. Assuming it was out of pain, Lily told him quietly. "Come on, Potter. Just three more steps than you will be there."

He took a shallow breath, and nodded, forcing himself up the final steps, into the dorm.

Sirius was lying back on his bed, shirtless tossing a Quaffle in the air absentmindedly, his black hair swept back elegantly. Peter was scribbling furiously, what Lily assumed to be the potions essay that was due the next day. Remus seemed to be reorganizing his trunk.

"Oh there you are, mate we were-" Sirius began, before he got a good look at James. "What happened?"

James shook his head dismissively.

"Thanks, Evans." Sirius said taking James from her and helping him to his own bed.

Remus gave James a glance over, but walked over to Lily. He tugged her into a small hug. "I'm sorry, Lily. I just heard."

Lily tensed up, not from his touch but why he was hugging her. She fixed her face to hold composure, "Thanks, Remus."

He released her and looked down at her in concern. "How are you holding up?"

"Holding up?" Sirius said, from James's side. "She's not the one with blood all over her nose."

Lily ignored Sirius, and smiled at Remus. "I'm fine. Thanks Remus. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm going to head to bed."

"If you need anything owl me." He added, patting her on the shoulder.

She gave him another smile, "I will." Then she looked over at James unsurely. "Um…Take care of yourself, Potter."

He nodded, with a grin. "Thanks, Evans."

Lily headed out, closing the door behind her, but she lingered for a few seconds when she heard the boys instantly jump into a conversation.

"What was wrong with, Evans?" James said, his voice strained.

Remus sighed, "Her dad died, the funeral was today."

"Oh." Sirius said, the guilt evident in his tone. "Well I was a prat."

"You always are." Remus chuckled, "But I doubt Lily took it personally."

James said, "Poor, Evans. No wonder she looked so defeated."

Remus reassured him, "She's strong. She just needs some time."

"This is going to hurt Prongs." Peter warned him, "Bite down on this."

A muffled yelp sounded through the boy's dorm and Lily continued down the steps.

Mary was sound asleep on the couch by the time Lily reached it, with her book resting on her stomach. Snorting, Lily grabbed a blanket and draped it over her, before ascending the girl's staircase to go to bed.


	2. Who You Are

_Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart._  
_But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,_  
_There's nothing wrong with who you are_

**-Jessie J-**

* * *

She never fell asleep.

Instead she just tossed and turned for several hours, breaking down and crying at one point. All she wanted to do was go to sleep, to not feel anything for a few hours and just recharge, but her body refused to let her. After a while trying seemed useless, but she couldn't give up. All she could see when she closed her eyes was her father's face and the tears just wouldn't stop. She was so thankful her roommates were sound sleepers, but a part of her wished they weren't.

She didn't want to disturb anyone. Mary wouldn't care if she went downstairs and woke her up, but Lily couldn't bring herself to actually do it. It was one thing to wish someone were there to hold her and tell her it would all be okay. It was quite another to be selfish enough to ask someone to do it.

This was the way she'd always done it. The first night after she'd gotten her letter, and Petunia had sworn to never talk to her again. She snuck into her room at night to try and crawl into her bed. They'd always been close, but her sister made her leave and told her not to come in her room again. Lily ran out and went into her parent's room, but they were fast asleep. At 11 years old, she stood there, silently sobbing in the doorway, but not willing to wake her parents. Her father would comfort her and her mother would insist on bringing Petunia in so they would talk about it.

The thing was, Lily knew her sister, when Petunia made a decision, she stuck to it. So if she said she hated Lily and she wanted nothing to do with her, then…she meant it and no amount of her parent's lectures would change that. It would just make Petunia hate her more. So she stood there, pale as can be, freckles everywhere, dark red thick hair, crying alone in the doorway.

Eventually she would go back to her room and cry herself to sleep, but six years later Lily found that it didn't work the same way. She learned to deal with her sister hating her. It wasn't something she had ever really adapted to, but she had come to accept through years of trial and error, that no amount of time would make Petunia go back to the way things were. One thing she would never learn to accept was her father being gone.

It was like going home and finding that everything that had been there since you were born, all the memories were shifted and sold. New furniture replaced the old and you were supposed to not notice. You were supposed to just understand and find ways to be comfortable on the new couch and like the look of the new shutters. But you never do. You just silently remember the way the old couch was worn in and had stains from when you had poured paint all down the back of it. And the shutters, you remember how mad you were and how frustrated you would get that they wouldn't open easily and wouldn't block out all of the light. It didn't matter though, because they were your shutters and now the only proof they'd existed is in your mind.

Her face burned, and her cheeks swelled with the amount of tears were pounding down on her cheeks. She circled her arms around one of her pillows and as soon as she started seeing the sky get late, wait for her alarm to go off.

When it did, she dragged her lagged limbs up out of bed and slumped into the bathroom. She didn't look up, she knew she looked god awful and recognition of that was unnecessary. Lily brushed her teeth, washed her face, and without looking but cover up on her cheeks. They were bright red, and she knew how much to add to reduce that without having to look. Then she attempted to brush her hair. Most of it was brushed when she saw she was running five minutes late.

"Fuck." She groaned, dropping her brush and stumbling to her bed to hop out of her pajamas and into her uniform.

* * *

The other girls; Eve Collins, Betty Tyler, Martha Jones and Mya Edwards were talking amongst themselves and taking their time, but Lily didn't have the good sense they had to drop Potions. All of them were headed to breakfast and eventually she would see them in Charms. She glared at them; in that instant she didn't care that she had chosen her own classes and could have a relaxing morning if she had only had selected to do so.

Lily was exhausted and primal; no life form was justified to having a better day than she.

She threw her bag over her shoulder and yawned as she went. Her head ached, but if she just grabbed some kind of bread from the Great Hall, then she could quickly dash to the dungeons. It wasn't the most presentable she'd looked. Her tie wasn't knotted, her blouse wasn't tucked in and her shoes weren't tied. Normally she would have some consideration, but it was a Friday. She just had to get through the day; if she could do that then it would be the weekend.

That freedom, the idea of locking her drapes and living under her covers, was such a beautiful image. She carried it with her, imagining the feeling of her sheets and her pillow cradling her aching neck, as she strolled up to the Gryffindor table and grabbed a loaf of bread and drained a glass of orange juice in nearly one gulp.

From the seat next to her, Remus's eyebrows rose in amusement. "Are you going to sit or are you going to take all of your meals standing now?"

"If I sit, I won't get up." She said.

"Did you get any sleep?"

Lily shook her head, her eyes half closing in the process. "I'll see you class."

"You mean in class?"

"Ah huh."

Lily took a large bite out of the bread and headed in the direction of the dungeons feeling like a wild animal that just got a new exhibit. She was vaguely aware of her reactions, but was too tired to care about them.

The night before she'd gotten some sleep, not much, but apparently it wasn't enough to sustain her two days in a row.

Off to the side of the hall she saw James Potter with his arms around Melanie Hall, his girlfriend of…two or so months, give or take a week or two. Melanie gave him a dirty look when she saw the bruise over his nose, but he merely smirked and kissed her until she stopped looking cross. She wondered if it was that simple, fancy a boy, he gives you a smirk and all concerns and worries float away.

Lily had never had that, but she imagined it would be really relaxing to have that kind of connection. To have someone that could calm you down with just a look.

Regardless she stared at the pair blankly, they didn't notice her, but she looked at them as if she was so beast like that it gave her the power of invisibility.

She walked into the Potion's classroom and sat in her usual seat next to Dirk who had yet to arrive. For three minutes she rested her head on the table before her stomach began to growl. Alone in the empty classroom, Lily began picking at the bread and stuffing it into her mouth until she felt more human. It didn't make her feel much better, but it did help her become more alert and awake.

Tugging out her book from her bag, she placed it on the table and tried to untangle her hair with her fingers. James strolled in, with his usual graceful jaunt. He just seemed to give off waves of charisma and arrogance, like he lived the best life there was to live. Lily glared at him, and rolled her eyes when she saw him doubling back. What, had he forgotten to snog his fifth year girlfriend for long enough?

He gripped his bag strap and stopped in front of Lily, "Hey, Evans."

She looked up, her fingers still hooked in her hair. "…Uh…hi."

"I just wanted to thank you for…last night." He said. "I really appreciated it."

Embarrassed, she carefully took her hand out of her hair and nodded curtly, "It's er…fine, Potter."

"Well…" He chuckled, running a hand through his hair awkwardly. "See you around."

"Yep." Lily saluted him.

He laughed at the gesture and went at sat in his usual seat at the side of class.

Lily dropped down to the table, she said to herself, "Did I just salute him…? Biggest…" She hit her head on the table, "idiot," she did it again, "Ever"

"What's wrong? You look like bird's tried to live in your hair." Dirk said, dropping into the seat next to her.

"It's… been a day."

He checked his watch. "It's 8:57, Lil."

"Already hell." Lily grumbled from underneath her arms. "Why do you sound so chipper?"

Dirk said, "Mary broke up with him."

Lily sat up, and looked at him. "She broke up with Taylor?"

"Yep."

"You know that doesn't mean she's going to just fall into your arms right?"

"Yes, but that does mean I can actually start making my feelings more apparent."

Lily looked at him with endless pity. "Dirk, you asked her to Alice Prewett's wedding as your date and then said, 'not as friends.'"

"Yes, but that was right before she started dating him." He said optimistically, his hazel eyes bright. "Now they are broken up and the wedding is still a month and a half away."

"You are so full of hopes and dreams." Lily mused leaning on her knuckles. "What's that like?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Are you trying to tell me you don't believe in second chances?"

"I'm saying it's really unlikely. She said no, but she didn't say it was because she liked someone else…I just…I don't like the idea of putting all of my eggs in one basket."

"That's because risking everything terrifies you."

"Perhaps, but I just like the idea of a sure thing."

"Which is why you date men that you never actually have any interest in."

Lily opened her mouth, her eyebrows furrowing together. "I…I always think I do at the beginning." She said feebly, cringing. "They just…never challenge me and always have no backbone... It gets boring."

"Because when a person is a sure thing, they usually like you more than you like them."

"That is true, sadly." Lily said and took out some parchment with a shrug of her shoulders. "Oh well, C'est la vie."

Dirk watched her take out her quill, his lips tugged together. "How are you, Lily?"

She stilled and glanced over at him, her head sinking. "I'm ok."

He put his hand on hers. "I'm here if you ever want to talk."

"I know." Lily smiled at him, "But I'm fine."

Dirk nodded and gripped her hand quickly before taking out his own supplies. "Good."

* * *

Slughorn was writing the instructions on the board, while he explained them verbally but Lily kept zoning out. A few seats in front of her she saw Remus and Peter playing gobstones behind their bags, Mary was leaning on the side of her dark palm, staring wistfully out the window at the greenhouse, to which Lily grinned; Mary's love for nature and everything to do it was so pure, it was adorable. Her green eyes then scanned the rest of the room, before it landed on Black and Potter. Sirius was leaned back on the back legs of his chair, eyeing Jane Edwards suggestively across the room. James was leaning on the wall, his arm around the back of the chair, a smirk playing on his lips. He nudged Sirius and said something to him that made Sirius throw his head back with a bark like laugh that echoed through the room.

"Mr. Black," Slughorn said, his back still facing the room, "Are you paying attention?"

"Of course, Professor." Sirius grinned, biting the tip of his quill, "Wouldn't dream of straying off course."

James shook his head at his friend and went to scribble something on his paper. Lily wondered what it was. Sirius didn't look at it, nor did James nudge him to get his attention. Even if Potter was the type to take notes, there was no need to they were being printed on the board. So that begged the question, what was he writing?

She knew he was Quidditch Captain, rich, popular, leader of the band of idiots that christened themselves the Marauder's, he occasionally took to bullying any students who he didn't care for and his best friend was Sirius Black. Other than that she really didn't know much about him, but she preferred it that way. She liked to think of James Potter, like an abstract concept. An idea of a person, who's life was often unfolding in front of her like tele program she could watch and speculate about privately.

"Lily," Dirk bumped her arm bringing her out of her thoughts. "You're up to get the supplies."

She nodded, tucking in her blouse all the way and moving to the head of the room with half of the rest of the class. Waiting in line, she tapped her foot and crossed her arms. Naturally since she sat in the back she was second to last, but unfortunately Avery was behind her, and he seemed to have a lot to say to her.

"Too bad your body was wasted on a mudblood." He drawled.

Lily mock sighed, "Well your tiny brain was wasted on a human, so we all have our struggles don't we?"

"Because if you weren't," He continued, standing a little too close to her. "I would do nasty things to you."

She shivered and moved forward in line. She was almost there, just two people from the supplies now. Everyone else was sitting and working on his or her potions, soon she would join them, and she wouldn't feel Avery's stench on the back of her neck. Her hand twitched to her wand, but she locked down on the urge. He was baiting her, trying to get under her skin so he could make a comment that muggleborn's were wild, uncontrolled and uncivilized. Lily couldn't give him that. She had to hold onto what little self control she had left.

"I bet you are untamed under that skirt..."

_One more person, just one more._

"I'll just see for myself."

She was at the front now. Slughorn was on the other side of the classroom but he was still only a few feet away. Just grab the supplies and leave. Just grab them and leave. Lily's eyes burned with tears, but her whole body went rigid when she felt a hand slide up her leg and attempt to roughly grab her knickers. Lily dropped the glass container in her hand and in a flash she violently backhanded him. Her hand hit him so hard the sound could be heard in the back of the classroom. She then, bucked him back, her wand out and tears streaming down her face.

"How dare you?! What are you even mad about Mudblood?" He spat, "Like you'll ever be touched."

"You know what? I'm not angry. I'm properly PISSED OFF!" Lily spat through gritted teeth. "I take it, I take you saying I don't deserve to be here because of my so called 'impure blood', I take my sister calling me a freak and I take every one like you having the audacity to think I'm less than you because of a fact I can't control."

She paused her lips thinning dangerously, "But you thinking you can put your hands on me, like I'm your property, _isn't going to happen_. Say what you would like, hateful people like you always do, but lay a hand on me or any of my friends and I'll…." She emphasized sharply, her lips quivering with shimmering rage, "I will break you a part…_limb-by-limb_."

Avery opened his mouth with a sneer to say something, but she didn't let him.

"_PUSH ME. I DARE YOU._"

He blinked, stunned.

Professor Slughorn stood shocked, his mouth was ajar as if to speak, to interject and put a stop to the fight, but unable to think of what to say. Lily grabbed the materials she needed and when she walked around Avery she glared at him so harshly it should have burned right through him. Then she returned to her seat, without so much as a look up from her list of instructions.

Avery said, Lily's handprint perfectly visible on his left cheek. "Professor-!"

But Slughorn replied curtly, "Dumbledore's office, Avery."

"But she threatened-"

"Now, Avery." He said sternly. "I will not have you harassing other students. Go."

Avery swore and kicked his chair over as he went.

In the back row, a smirk popped up on Lily's face crimson tinted face.

"Ms. Evans, you will be serving detention for a week for threatening another student."

Lily was offended for a split-second, but once she caught the hot glowers of the other Slytherin's, she shrugged and said quite cockily, "Worth it."

"Another week, Ms. Evans." He said, "I suggest you keep your outbursts to yourself."

"Who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?" Dirk breathed in astonishment as he added the ingredients to the cauldron between them.

"What?" She said fiercely. "I'm supposed to just let him-?!"

"No!" He said in a rush, "You are more than entitled to defend yourself. But what you just said to the Slytherin's…damn."

Lily blushed, with a small smile. She eyed him sheepishly after a few minutes of silence. "I've never gotten a detention before..."

"It doesn't go on your record." He reassured her quickly. "But I will speak of this day at your funeral…On your tombstone I'll write, Lily Etta Evans, daughter, friend, rebel."

She grinned, and bumped his shoulder with her own. "Oh, sod off."


	3. Sleeping Sickness

_Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead_  
_But now it's like the night is taking sides_  
_With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind_  
_Could it be this misery will suffice?_

**-City and Colour-**

* * *

Lily and Mary wondered out of dinner together, Mary eyed Lily with something of a cross of amusement and bewilderment.

"Ready to talk now?"

"About what exactly?" Lily said feigning an innocent expression.

Mary began, "In the matter of twelve hours I see you helping a bloody Potter back to the dorm, your hands all over him and now you have your first ever detention because you assaulted Avery and told him you'd dismember him if he touched you again."

Lily blushed.

"I don't know whether to be horrifyingly proud of you or to be horribly proud of you."

"I'm sorry. I probably should have at least threatened him _away_ from a professor." Lily laughed, before sighing. "I'm just sick of purebloods. I'm sick of being treated differently and being pushed aside. I guarantee you Avery will get a suspension tops, because even if Dumbledore tries, the school board will overrule him on any serious decisions."

Mary frowned. "I hate to agree with you. I can't say I hate any purebloods but I don't care for them to much either at the moment."

"…Is that why you and Taylor broke up?"

Mary scratched her hairline.

"You know we have to talk about that. We aren't the type of friends that are super understanding and just let things go." Lily linked arms with her, "I want to know every detail of everything." She switched gears, her voice softening at the look on Mary's face. "You okay?"

"He was just…He never used to care that I was a muggleborn, but lately…" Her face dropped and she tucked her lips back, her black hair falling in her face.

Lily squeezed her arm, "Well! You are going to get a new boyfriend that's cuter and then we are going to get you a cookie! A huge one."

"Why?" Mary said a reluctant smile creeping onto her face.

"Because cookies make everything better."

"Thanks Lily."

"Of course. You are my best friend. I would trip him, punch him and get you a truck full of cookies if you so desire."

"A truck?"

"Or a battleship, whatever amount suits you best."

Mary said, "One cookie is just enough for me. I have to head to the field though. I promised James I'd clear out the Quidditch shed. When do you have detention?"

Lily checked her watch, and scowled. "Fifteen minutes."

"Well you better get going little convict." Mary said tugging her into a hug.

"I think I'll bring some cigs and use it as currency."

"Good idea." May nodded wisely.

* * *

Stepping into Professor Slughorn's classroom, she crossed her arms and saw him standing by the board. Her eyes were starting to blur from her continuous evasion of rest, but she merely rubbed her eyes and ignored the exhaustion pulling her down. Her eyes were pulsing and her head ached, she felt gross and completely drained. Just a few more hours, then she would be in the bed she was dreaming about all day. Just a few hours more.

"Sir?" Lily said timidly, rolling back and forth on her heels.

He turned, "Ah, Ms. Evans."

"I'm sorry Professor," Lily told him quickly, "I shouldn't have-"

"It's in the past my dear," He waved her away.

Lily clarified, "Not that he didn't deserve it, but I shouldn't have taken that far in class."

"Cheeky." He smiled at her. "I didn't wish to give you a detention my dear, but here we are. You are in luck; you will have a partner to help you clean this room. For the rest of term you will be cleaning a room in the castle."

"Who is my partner?"

"He should be coming along soon. He's always late. Take a seat, Lily."

Lily did as she was told but her mind was racing. She had detention every other night for two weeks, which she had made her peace with halfway through charms, but she thought she had it alone. What if it was a Slytherin? What if it was a pureblood? Or…what if it was a guy she didn't know, a seventh year that was hot, kind and an incredibly good kisser. A bloke she could just snog for two weeks and never have to see him again because he was a mute and their love couldn't last, but she would remember his hot abs until the end of her days.

For a moment she lived in the delusion that life was like that, essentially a romance novel full of lust, magic and no complications. Just the ideal romance that she would think of as she was working at the ministry or married to a nice, stable man that would be the type of guy that would have his kids on his shoulders but not be able to do anything worth mentioning in the bedroom.

It was a nice fantasy, but one she didn't put too much stock in. She could dream about a guy with a great smile, a nice shoulder to waist ratio and beyond her expectations, but she knew better. She rarely fancied anyone real, it was easier to think of a man like a character from a book; beautifully flawed and someone she'd fall completely in love with but someone she would never have to encounter.

"Ah, here he is."

Lily turned and she nearly laughed right in his face. She had imagined a man; hot, dark and full of lust, all of which this man contained but it was the muteness Sirius Black greatly lacked. He strutted into the room, flicking his black hair back with a casual arrogance printed on his face.

"Evans," He greeted her, "What a pleasure. Come in for extra credit?"

"You two will be scrubbing the floors tonight no magic-"

Black interrupted with raised eyebrows, "The two of us? What do you mean? Evans are you a chaperone now? Do you chaperone detentions to get brownie points?"

"No. I have detention."

"For what? Perfect attendance?"

Lily shook her head and looked at Slughorn, "So just scrubbing the floor then?"

"Yes, when you finish the floor the door will open. Rise, Lily." Slughorn flicked his wand to do away with the tables and chairs just as Lily stepped out of the way. He smiled at Lily before marching out of the room, with his belly leading the way.

She tied her hair back, grabbed a brush and began working behind the desk. Sirius sighed very dramatically and lowered himself to the ground.

"Well, Evans. How do you think we should spent this extra time?" Sirius said leaning suggestively next to her.

Lily paused, looking at him incredulously. She couldn't deny he was attractive; he was tall, broad shouldered, with a low voice and eyes that kind of seared through your soul. If she wanted to throw away her dignity there was one swift easy way to do it. But he wasn't really her type. He was too surface level. Take away his good looks and charm, and there wasn't anything beneath that except perhaps some family issues. He was too shinny, too pretty. There was no spark, no feeling in the bottom of her gut encouraging her forward, just vague admiration. Like looking at a painting or observing a sculpture.

But that didn't stop him from leaning in for a kiss. He nearly reached his goal too, she was so stunned at first that she just tensed up. But that didn't last long. He must have taken her staring at him as an invitation. The instant he got too close, she reacted.

Maybe it was just a reflex by that point, but she just slapped him across the face and ducked back away from him. "What the hell?! What is it with pureblooded men?! You think you have a penis so that gives you the right to stick it wherever you please?"

Sirius genuinely apologetic, he scooted back and stretched his jaw. "Well, not it if the other person is opposed to it…"

"Well I am opposed!"

"I just gathered that…"

Lily huffed, "Just because you're pretty and your family has more money than god, you purebloods think-

"Woah!" Sirius interrupted, raising his hands defensively. "I may be a pureblood, but I'm not like that."

"You're not? You haven't bullied and-"

"I hate your slimy git of a friend. He's taken shots at me and my friends." Sirius said defensively. "I haven't bullied anyone that couldn't defend themselves and weren't a royal prick."

Lily halted, leaning back against the wall. After a beat of silence, she muttered, "…He's not my friend anymore."

"Good, because he's a anti-muggle, pro-dark magic, deceitful little shit. Anyone that associates with him is scum."

Lily didn't have a response to that; she just looked at the floor.

"Look, I'm sorry-"

"I know." Lily said, "I just…I've been pawed at enough today."

He winced. "…I forgot about that."

"_Lucky you_."

Lily didn't want to be mad at him. If it were any other day she would have laughed and just told him she wasn't interested. She didn't have to hit him. Sirius clearly would have backed away and probably shrugged nonchalantly in response. He wasn't the type to not back off, but she didn't give him the chance. She was on the offense, actively waiting for someone to try and make another dig or cut into her. It seemed to be the theme of the week.

It couldn't possibly be more uncomfortable. Her insides twisted and she finally couldn't take it anymore. Pushing herself to her feet, she grabbed the bucket and her brush, before moving to the exact opposite side of the room.

"Let's just scrub the floor."

Sirius watched her go with a frown. He'd already apologized, but it seemed that the damage was already done.

* * *

They worked for a half hour in silence before Lily broke. Sirius wasn't a bad person, flawed, absolutely, but not a bad person. He deserved to be told no, but not slapped and yelled at. He wasn't entitled to a kiss, but he didn't act like he was either. She'd just…snapped. Her frustration, her rage and pure fury at Avery, and …her father's death just had her on edge and she couldn't hold back. There was no off button. No censor. Lily was so sick of not being treated like a person, but as a means to an end or a placeholder.

It drove her to work faster and polish every scratch out of the floor and even some that might possibly exist the in future. She was just…so done. What did she do to deserve this? What did she do? Why was she being tortured at every turn? She wanted a name, and she wanted to take it out on someone.

She pushed and scratched her brush against the floor, she fought; a war with the floor. An opponent that wouldn't be able to fight back, a battle she would actually be able to win.

By the time she made it to the center of the room her upper back was locked and all of muscles bunched together to create one large knot. Her hands gripped the handle so hard, her hands were raw and numb. In a moment she lost grip and slipped, falling flat on the floor. She began to convulse, tears shook out of her until she was heap on the floor.

"Evans?" Sirius called, "You alive?"

She sniffed loudly and swiped her face. "I'm ok…I'm ok."

"You sure?"

"…How much longer do we have to do this?"

"Not much longer."

"God." Lily lifted her head; her face beat red and puffy. "I hate detention...I-I hate it so much."

He chuckled softly at the miserable look on her face. "Look, Slughorn will let us out in ten minutes. He never holds the full detention."

"Okay…ten minutes." Lily said, breathing in and out slowly, "Ten minutes."

"You okay, Evans?" He asked again.

"Not really…" She sat up and leaned back against the wall, her energy completely spent.

Sirius said quietly, "It was a dick move what I did."

"You were trying to kiss me," She said warily, "You should have known I wouldn't just kiss you out of nowhere, but I'm not upset because of you. You were just the last straw."

A teasing tone came into his voice easily when he said, "I would think a bit of a snog would cheer you up."

Lily laughed at the earnest look on his face and threw her brush at him. "Ass."

"I do have a nice one, but if I'm not your type I have plenty of friends that I can enlist to cheer you up."

"Oh, you do?"

"I have the nerdy type, the teddy bear type, the Quidditch star type, or if you prefer women-"

Lily interjected, "Potter has a girlfriend."

Sirius feigned a somber expression, holding up his hands. "Sacrifices can be made."

"Oh?"

"It's for the greater good."

She shook her head and let out a long sigh. "Thanks, Black."

"For what?"

"I needed a laugh."

"I can see that." Sirius replied, "Although I must say I appreciate that you didn't hit me as hard as you did Avery. I thought you were going to knock out a tooth."

Lily said, "I wish I had…I tried _so hard_ to just ignore him."

"What was he saying?"

"The usual," She shrugged, "I just…I couldn't take it."

Concern flickered on his aristocratic features, and Lily thought the sight was too odd to be considered natural. "I'm sorry, Evans."

"I appreciate that…I'll be okay."

"I have an idea." Sirius said taking a shard of glass out of his sock. "Prongs!"

Lily eyes widened. "Are you shouting at glass?"

"Just hold onto your knickers for a second," Sirius said to Lily, before calling into the glass, "JAMES POTTER!"

"OY! I hear you, stop shouting." James Potter's voice filled the room. "What is it?"

"I need you to let me out of Slughorn's classroom earlier than planned."

James said, "Alright, how much sooner?"

"Like now."

"Alright. I'll be there in a minute."

"Bring the sugar cookies."

"Will do."

Sirius popped the glass back into his sock with a smirk. "No more manual labor for you tonight, Evans."

"I want to ask," She sighed, "but I think I'm good with not knowing."

* * *

Two minutes later, James Potter arrived with a plate of sugar cookies. "I grabbed as many as I could see."

"Thanks mate." Sirius grinned, taking the plate and handing it to Lily. "You eat these until you don't want to kill everyone."

Lily said with a small smile, "I'm going to need more cookies."

Sirius snorted at her. "Well start with those, Evans and we will work from there." He wordlessly flicked his wand the desks and chairs back after washing the rest of the floor.

She stuffed two cookies into her mouth at once and visibly melted. Her body cradled the plate like it was made of gold and she let out the most content sigh, her eyes even closing at one point. To the side of her, she could feel James watching her.

"…What?"

"Nothing."

"I haven't slept in days, and you handed me a plate of cookies." Lily stated, in a bit of a haze. "_No judgment_."

James's laugh came soft and the sound was oddly soothing. "I'm not. I've just never seen anyone other than Remus attempt to eat two cookies at once."

"Because you've never been this stressed. Cookies are life."

Again his laugh sounded. "Okay, Evans."

"Black," Lily said simply, "Thank you for ordering the cookies, Potter for bringing the cookies. Are you in detention for the rest of term?"

Sirius shook his head. "Just one more week, but I've been here all month."

"What exactly did you do?"

A wild smirk popped onto his face and she shook her head.

"Never mind. I don't want to know. I guess I'll see you tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow?"

"Detention. Unless I have rounds, I have to come." Lily said swiping cookie crumbs off the corner of her mouth.

Sirius said, "Oh. I still can't believe you have detention and for such a little trivial thing."

"I told him I'd cut him into pieces... but I've got cookies now so it's all good."

James and Sirius both laughed this time. James stepped forward as she tried to part ways with them. "Come along, Evans."

She followed the pair. "You guys don't have to walk me. I'm sure you have things to do. Like snog unsuspecting girls…"

"I said I was sorry!" Sirius said defensively as Lily cackled.

"It's fine." She said before mocking him, "You feel like you have to kiss the entire female population and that's an admirable feat to challenge yourself to."

"There are several females I have not had the chance to encounter."

"Like what? _Five?_"

Sirius smirked and pushed her lightly. "A few more than that."

Lily laughed at him and she glanced over to see that James wasn't laughing or smiling. He looked like he was trying to erase a rather pressing image from his mind. She frowned, was the image of Sirius snogging women that awful to him? Was perhaps his love of Sirius a little more than brotherly or did he simply not approve of a man that didn't care for one woman at a time?

She shook these thoughts from her mind. Either way it didn't affect her, James Potter wasn't her problem to deal with. He could feel whatever way he wanted and she wasn't going to care about how or why he did so.

She was going to focus on the last cookie on the platter and the temporary happiness it provided her and nothing else.

"So, I thought your lovely girlfriend was joining you." Sirius said to James.

He shrugged, "We had a disagreement."

"Regarding?"

A smile returned to James's lips as if it never left them. "Padfoot, your prying never works."

"Ah, but the fun at seeing the look on your face never ceases." Sirius cackled, tossing his arm around James's.

"How did you like your first detention, Evans?" James changed the subject. "Everything you hoped and dreamed it to be?"

Lily put her plate down outside the front hall where she knew it would be found. "I'd rather not repeat it, but it doesn't look like I have much of a choice."

"Now that you know the way things run, you'll be fine, Evans." Sirius assured her.

"You know, when your heads not up your arse you're not too bad, Black."

"Back at you, Evans." He winked.

* * *

They headed back to the common room and for the first time, Lily didn't hide her amusement for Sirius, because for the first time he seemed like more than arrogant prick, he was an arrogant prick with a heart. Already in the back of her mind she wondered if she could find someone who could steal his heart. It was sappy and hopeless of her, but she couldn't help it. He was the tragic hero, every story craved and now she kind of was rooting for him instead of finding reasons to hate him.

It was stupid, and it shouldn't have meant so much, but it did. She needed it, she needed to see that life could be more than cut and dry. If Sirius Black was more than he appeared to be, if even he was redeemable and capable of good maybe then the world wasn't quite as dark as it had seemed the past few days.

Sirius patted her on the shoulder, when the three of them walked through the portrait hole. "See you, Evans."

She smiled, "Later, Black."

She moved to go up her staircase when she saw James stalling. Her mind told her to continue on and not pay him any attention, but her curiosity took over.

"What?"

Not looking at her, he said, "It gets easier."

"…What does?"

"Your dad." He said, "It gets easier."

Lily's gaze dropped, and her face-hardened.

"I know it doesn't seem like it, and you've had a rough go of it." James said running a hand through his hair thoughtfully

"I'm fine." She said flatly.

"No, you're not." He said, "But you will be."

Lily looked up, her eyebrows furrowed at the confidence in his tone.

"Night Evans."

She didn't respond, but by the time she looked up he was gone.

He never quite did was she expected him do and it was a bit unnerving, which had to be the reason her heart rate went up ever so slightly without him ever having to take a single step in her direction.

Lily stared at the boy's staircase for a few minutes, but then shook her head and went up into her dorm. Mary was still awake, practicing non-verbal magic with some feathers mindlessly. Once she saw Lily, the feather's dropped and she leapt over to Lily's bed.

"How was it?"

Lily yawned and scrunched up her nose. "Er...Interesting."

"What did you have to do? Lines or the floor?"

"The floor. How would you know?"

"I got detention for knocking Nott out of his chair, remember?"

Smirking, Lily nodded, giggling slightly. "Fourth year. His face was perfection."

"It was my favorite." Mary beamed clasping her hands together. "But you must be tired, I'll let you get to sleep. We can talk tomorrow."

"I'd appreciate that." Lily said slipping out of her skirt and shoes but too tired to bother changing out of her blouse. She merely sunk into her bed and closed her eyes.

Mary chuckled and pulled the sheets over Lily before closing her curtains, "Night, Lily Bean."

"Night." Lily said sleepily, the sound of her other roommates ghosts swirly around her. This time she didn't cry or even have the thought to. Her body had a low rhythm before everything dulled and faded away.


	4. Flaws

_You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve_  
_ And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground_  
** -Bastille-**

* * *

Stepping out on the sunny June day, Lily saw Remus sitting by the tree near the edge of the lake. She adjusted the strap of her bag and headed over to him. He was reading, which wasn't altogether a surprise, but when she got close enough to see the title she couldn't hold back her distain.

"Remus," Lily said, sitting down next to him on the grass, "I'll tell you, I don't know how you read that book so often."

He held up the beaten up edition of Les Miserable defensively, "It's a classic."

"There's chapters upon chapters describing the sewer system!" Lily ranted. "I can't."

"I love it! I love Javier."

Lily shook her head, and smiled, "Okay, Remus."

"How's detention been going?"

"Not too bad actually." She said, taking an apple out of her bag and taking a small bite out of it. "I was with Sirius the past two times, and yesterday I had prefect rounds so I didn't have to go."

Remus nodded. "He has a way of making the time pass easier."

"That he does." Lily snorted thinking of how he made the bucket jump to the beat of a song while he performed a one-man musical. She leaned back against the bottom of the tree trunk, and looked around at the grounds.

It was nearly finals, but as it was the first truly sunny day in a long time so a lot of people were avoiding their responsibilities, Lily included. She had a rather large paper to turn in the next day, but feeling the sun, letting it warm her cheeks and add a few more freckles to the tip of her nose was too nice to pass up. Remus had already returned to his book, and she was about to take out something to read when she saw Dirk and Mary laughing together in the distance. She frowned, and groaned.

"What?" Remus asked, looking up.

She gestured to the pair.

"What's wrong with that?"

"I don't want my best friends to date." She said simply. "One of them will crush the other, most likely Mary will crush Dirk and then they will break up and I'll have to watch them be sad and devastated."

"You don't think you are taking this just a little bit too seriously? Not everything is a Shakespeare tragedy."

Lily shrugged, "Maybe not, but love doesn't last that long and I just don't want them to be hurt."

"Better a broken heart then an unlived life."

She turned back and raised her eyebrows at him. "The hypocrisy of you saying that is very vivid."

"That's different. My life is very lived. I love many people."

"Not in _that_ way."

"Maybe not." He conceded, "But that doesn't have to be the only type of love."

"That's true...I hate how friendship or family is so undervalued and romantic love is seen as always the deepest kind."

"It only is if you fall in love with your best friend."

Lily scrunched her face up. "Is this how you tell me you are madly in love with me, Remus?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yep. You are undeniable, Lily."

"Or, you are in love with Sirius."

"Why Sirius?"

"Because I for one think you two would be adorable together."

Remus laughed, returning to his book. "You're ridiculous."

"Maybe," She nudged him playfully, "But you are stuck with me."

"So it seems...Did you ever do that paper?"

"Ugh. Don't remind me." She winced away from him.

Remus said, "You know for someone who is at the top of your class you don't seem to love school."

"I love school, I hate homework. Learning is interesting, writing essays and burning my brain out to remember tedious facts is excruciating."

"Eh."

Lily opened her bag and took out the comic she'd half finished at lunch. Her dark red hair was kept back by a clip but it still flickered in the slight breeze coming from the lake. Her eyes were so focused on what she was reading she didn't notice Remus get up and walk over to Sirius, who was attempting to dress Peter up like a clown.

"What is that?" James asked sinking down into Remus's place.

She jumped and quietly said, "It's a comic book."

"Can I see?"

Lily looked around for Remus before slowly handing it over.

* * *

She didn't know why he was there. They weren't friends. They didn't regularly talk to one another unless there was a specific reason for them to do so. Her jaw locked. Mentally, she prepared herself for the mocking. Boys always made fun of her when she was reading comic books and always said she was doing it to seem cool or to get noticed by guys. After years of reassuring them with facts on the comics and her favorite characters and story arcs, they all just laughed and didn't let her have any creditability because she happened to have breasts. What was it about a penis that gave a man more credibility? Either way, she waited for James to say it, and had a response ready for when he did.

"Why don't the pictures move?"

Blinking, Lily said, "Er...It's made by muggles. They don't know how to do that."

"Huh..." He flipped through the pages, "So what does this guy do?"

"Batman?"

"...batman?"

"That's his name, he's a superhero." Lily explained. "He had a fear of bats so he used that as a symbol to work against what everyone else is afraid of show facing his fears. Unlike every other superhero though he doesn't have any powers. He just has a lot of money from his family, is smart and uses that to fight the bad guys."

He smirked, "I could be a superhero."

Lily snorted and shook her head. "You want to dress up like a giant bat?"

"Saving people, probably will get the girl."

"Actually batman doesn't really have a consistent love interest, which I kind of like."

"Are there other ones like this?" He handed it back to her, fixing his glasses.

"What? Comic books? Oh yeah. There's a lot. I have a basement full of it back home. My dad owns...or used to own a comic book store."

"Really?" James said.

"Yeah. I have to actually clear all of those out when I get home. My mum and my sister don't care much for them."

"What does your mum do?"

"She is a nurse...It's like a Healer."

James nodded. "Do you want to run a comic book store or be a Healer?"

"No. Not at all. I'd want to go into the Ministry." Lily admitted, "I want to work to change some of the laws that are unjust and make things more equal for muggleborns and everyone else."

He looked at her for a minute before dipping his chin into his chest and smiling.

She tensed up. "What?"

"You know most people just say Ministry."

"Well I would like to have a job, but I think it's just as important to make a difference."

James glanced at her for a minute. They weren't that far a part, she hadn't thought twice about sitting this closely to Remus, but with James it just made her nervous. She didn't have space so a bit of her confidence faded. Lily began to second guess herself and wonder what he was going to say, what he was thinking.

"You know. You're a force of nature, Evans."

She didn't have a response, not because it wasn't a phrase she hadn't heard before or even a phrase that had been applied to her, but it was the way he said it. A smirk, a grin, or a sneer, she was used to seeing but not this.

And Lily, just stared at him with this big, dumb, astonished look on her face.

James chuckled at her, before craning his neck at the sound of his name. He saw his girlfriend in the distance and pushed himself off the ground. "See you around, Evans."

"Yeah...bye."

She watched him walk away, before burying her face in her hands. "I'm such a loser."

He was cool, collected and actually interested in what she was saying. And it was so disarming. She was glad he had grown up and wasn't always a prick. It was good for general society that people evolve and grow past themselves, but she didn't want him to evolve anywhere near her. It was perfectly fine for her to befriend Sirius, but two out of four Marauder's was more than enough for her.

* * *

Strolling into detention early, Lily sat in the back of the potions classroom and waited for Slughorn to arrive. The last detention he sent her and Sirius to clean the trophy room, which was more work than she thought it would be. She was hoping that today they would just do lines or something painless.

Taking out a roll of parchment, she began her Transfiguration paper. If she worked at least halfway through it then she could finish the rest the next day at lunch time. The trouble was she wasn't really understanding how the spell worked in the first place. She received O's in all of her subjects, but transfiguration was always the most exhausting. It was interesting, but as a muggleborn it was easier to grasp how to make things move, sing or how to brew a potion than how to transfigure a person into a water goblet.

"Having trouble?"

Lily jumped, her eyes snapping to the doorway.

James stood in the doorway, his jaw ticking.

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Uh...yeah."

"It's in chapter seven, after the bit about water molecules," He said simply, standing over her.

"Thanks...What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Sirius. He has the ma-" James halted and switched gears. "Have you seen him?"

"Not since him and Remus dunked Peter in the lake." Lily shook her head. She checked her watch. "He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago...So was Slughorn actually..."

James said, "You know if he doesn't show up within fifteen minutes you can leave."

"Sharing your detention trade secrets?"

His sour expression faded as a grin crept onto his face. "I try to help."

"An everyday Robin Hood."

He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Never mind." She laughed, "It's a muggle thing."

"I probably should have taken muggle studies."

"It's just the story of a guy who takes from the rich and gives back to the poor."

"Another superhero?"

Lily smiled, "No. He's just good with a bow and arrow...Although there is a comic book character based off of him."

"I see."

"Potter, you don't have to stay. I'm sure-"

James waved her away taking out a snitch to play with. "It's five minutes, Evans. I think I can handle it."

"Are you going to play with that snitch the whole time?"

"Do you want my help?" He countered.

Lily grimaced. "Fine, I'll ignore it."

"Why does it bother you so much?"

"Because!" She exclaimed, twisting in her seat to face him. "_WE GET IT_. You're Quidditch Captain and magnificent Quidditch Star James Potter. Could turn that off for five minutes and just be a real person? Or is it just so hard for you not to be surrounded by roaring crowds and swooning women?!"

James eyes widened in shock.

She let out a breath and considered taking it back, but decided against it. "Sometimes you are an arrogant wanker, Potter. Seeing that snitch reminds me of you hanging someone by their ankles and drowning them in bubbles for a laugh." She returned to her parchment and added, "That's why it bothers me so much."

"Then, I'll stop."

Lily looked back at him. "What?"

"If it bothers you. I'll stop."

"...Just like that?"

James looked away from her, his fingers tracing the edge of the edge of the table. "I would hex Snape again. He deserves to be hexed, but...I shouldn't have ganged up on him. I should have let him defend himself, and I shouldn't have attacked him first."

Lily stayed silent, watching him carefully.

"He started fights with me long before I came after him, but that doesn't justify what I did."

"No," She agreed, "It doesn't."

James hung his head. "Evans, believe it or not that day wasn't my greatest."

"That part or when you humiliated me?"

"How?! By asking you out?"

"That wasn't asking me out! I was telling you to leave Snape alone and you tried to discredit me by making a joke out of me. If you honestly wanted to ask me out I hardly would think you would have done it in front of nearly half of Hogwarts."

James said, "It wasn't the best attempt-"

"No, it was the worst and was something all the Muggleborn hating menfolk catcalled at me for the next week."

"...They did?"

"Yeah." Lily huffed, "They harassed me, telling me how I should have been so lucky that a pureblooded guy would even offer."

A flash of guilt spread across James's face and his voice lowered. "Merlin, Lily. I'm sorry...I didn't...I didn't think-"

"No, you didn't." She said, her voice thick. "But you really don't have to do you? You are a pureblood, male and have no problems. You can go get a job without somebody saying that you are smart for a muggleborn. You could have any job you want when you graduate. I can't. There's a whole war coming, dedicated to eradicating people like me. And you know what you have to do? Absolutely nothing. You can just do nothing for the rest of your life and you will be fine. But me? I have to work twice as hard and be twice as good to get half of what you have."

He said nothing.

Lily inhaled sharply, swiping away her tears in anger. "So yeah, I'm upset. I'm upset that your actions do have consequences, they just don't affect you. Like earlier, yes I'm the only person you know that knows what I'm going into, but you know why? Look at your friends, they all could do whatever they want. Sirius, Peter and even Remus will get jobs. None of you have to get involved, you have the privilege of doing what you want. My friends; Mary and Dirk will both have to fight to get anything above a janitorial job. We won't get to be what we desire to be, we will have to fight to get something that just pays let alone something we would be good at or something that makes us happy."

She bit her lip and shook her head. "You don't realize how easy you have it. You think Avery is the first creep to try and feel me up? He's not and he's won't be the last either because guys like that think they can have a piece of me, because if I say something about it they will tell me no one will believe me or they will say I threw myself at them. _I live in a war zone_."

"I...I..." James began, never finishing.

"And the worst part, is you're better than this Potter. I've seen you help first years and defend people you're not even friends with. I've seen you be a better person, I know you are capable of it but a year isn't enough time is it?"

"Lily-"

"Just...don't bother," Lily said with a sigh, putting her things away. "Five minutes are up. I'll get help from someone else."

"Lily-"

"Don't call me that," Lily said to him. "We're not friends, Potter."

She left, tears trembling down her cheeks and her nose running.

* * *

James stayed in his seat, his posture deflated and his expression crestfallen. He wanted to go after her, to apologize or explain himself, but he wasn't really sure what he would say. So he just remained there until Sirius bounded into the room.

"Oy, where have you been mate?"

"Looking for you."

"...What's wrong?"

James shook his head, and ran a hand through his hair. "Evans and I-"

"Ah, another lovers quarrel." Sirius smirked.

"I have a girlfriend."

"Yes, a girlfriend who's new best friend is my dear cousin Narcissa."

James said, "What?"

"That's why I ditched detention. I saw the two girls chatting, and like a good best friend I followed them."

"You followed them?"

"Yes. And I discovered your girlfriend although has not cheated on you like I suspected, but is a bit of a social climber."

James rubbed his eyes. "Oh?"

"She plans on sitting with her at lunch and talking to Narcissa about her future."

"Seriously?"

"You knew her views."

"I know she is traditional. But she's not ...racist."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "My cousin is betrothed to Lucius Malfoy. Why would Melanie befriend a high level Death Eater's fiancée unless she was trying to get in with them early?"

James sighed and gripped his hair. "I don't know. I'll talk to her about it. I'm sure... it's nothing."

"And if it isn't?"

He let the question hang for a minute before he said, "Then I'll deal with it. Let's just not talk about it right now."

"...What did Evans say to you?"

"Basically I'm a horrible person, who doesn't know how good I have it." James said standing up and leading out of the room.

Sirius scoffed. "Well, she does have a point. Not many people have me for a best friend."

James didn't laugh.

"What? Do you believe her?"

He turned to Sirius earnestly. "Am I jerk?"

"I mean, aren't we all?"

"Not reassuring, Padfoot."

"I don't know what you want me to say. You're not a horrible person. Evans, just doesn't like you."

James frowned. "That doesn't mean she's wrong."

"Why do you care what she says anyway? Is this because she turned you down?"

"No," James said flatly, "It's not about her liking me. It's not about her at all really. It's...it's the fact that ...I don't want her to be right about me. I don't want to be who she thinks I am."

Sirius said, "Well, then don't be."

James nodded slowly.

"Come on, mate." Sirius said, wrapping his arm around James's shoulder. "Let's go get some food."

The pair walked and Sirius lead most of the conversation. James just couldn't get into it. Lily had just pointed out too many things for him to ignore. How could it not be clear that he wouldn't stay out of the war? How could it not be clear that he would fight for her rights and everyone that was denied them? Her words truly troubled him and really got under his skin. He'd always brushed her off as not liking him because she just didn't, but now that he heard the reasons behind her anger and saw how genuinely hurt she was by his actions...he finally saw why she looked at him with such distaste. And why shouldn't she? He never considered what anything seemed like from any perspective but his own.

Was he really that shallow? Was he really that guy?

Sirius could tell him otherwise until he was blue in the face, but for the rest of the night James was quiet.


	5. All These Things I've Done

_I wanna stand up, I wanna let go_  
_You know, you know, no, you don't, you don't_  
_I wanna shine on in the hearts of men_  
_I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand_

**-The Killers-**

* * *

There were two kinds of regret; there was regretting a life you never had the chance to live and regretting something you should have never said or done. And as she sat in Hagrid's hut, cradling a steaming mug of tea between her trembling her hands, Lily had finally joined the later group.

"You need ter apologize. Only way." Hagrid said frankly.

Lily nodded, her cheeks bright red and puffy. "I-I know. I just…I know he hates me and that's fine. I deserve after the things I said to him." She looked up at Hagrid, her green eyes glassy. "I just don't want him to think I'm right."

"He's a good bloke. Talk to him."

She drained her tea. "I'm going to right now…Thank you, Hagrid."

"Yer welcome." He patted her as delicately as he could on the shoulder, and she nearly smiled at the gesture before rising from her seat and heading out of his hut.

Once again, it was a beautiful day, but she couldn't feel it. She didn't feel like this at first, at first she felt powerful, like she had finally gotten some power back, but then in the shower she remembered his face. The look of shock and shame on his face didn't make her feel good like she thought it would, because it wasn't him who had belittled her. James Potter was a lot of things, but he wasn't racist and he had never bullied or sexually harassed her. In fact with perhaps the exception of that one-day he'd been really respectful towards her. He didn't know how people treated her, but that didn't make it his fault. He wasn't the cause of all of her problems, but in that moment she had justified it in her head that he was. That maybe if he was the root of all evil she could destroy him and everything would be okay, but instead she was the one that was wrong.

It was James Potter; she doubted her words carried much weight with him. Half the school was friends with him and everyone loved him, she couldn't believe her hateful words would really hurt him. He had to know she was wrong and that though he was a little blind to things, that didn't make him a horrible person. But, the guilt, the soul wrenching guilt refused to let her believe that for long, because even if he was only sad for a moment at her words, she still had made him suffer for a moment to make herself feel better and that in itself was more than enough for her to hate herself.

If she didn't already have a lunch date with Hagrid she probably would have just stayed in her bed all day, but she was glad she had. The only way to make things right was to apologize to him. For all she knew he could have cared less. He probably was out pranking Slytherin's, playing Quidditch or moving on in whatever way he would do that, but she still was going to do it. She hoped that it was just a gesture. That he didn't care about what a silly girl like her would think. After all, why would he care what she thought of him? She wasn't important or anyone that could really stop him from anything. She was just a typical, angry, redhead, scorned and burning others to make herself feel validated, why did he even listen in the first place?

Lily took a shallow breath, she pushed her hair out of her face and pinned it back. She looked like hell and she knew that not just from the crying that seemed to be a constant in her life, but because of the snickers of some of the people she passed in the hallway. What was it with people? How could some people truly enjoy seeing other people in pain? She'd tried to be like that and for one terrifying moment she wished she could be, but it didn't take.

Maybe that was what indefinitely separated her from Severus. Not their blood, but their temperament. He needed to hurt others to feel better for how he was treated, but he somehow found a way to compartmentalize the pain of others to disconnect from it. How could he do that? How could he just not care? Maybe that was why he clung to her so closely because she made him care, but that explained perfectly why they couldn't remain friends. Lily couldn't be anyone else's anchor, but her own and maybe she wasn't doing a good job, but at least her level of goodness didn't depend on anyone else. Good or bad, her decisions and her integrity were her own.

Stepping into the common room, she balled up her fists and took a few breaths as she eyed the boy's staircase. He could very well be anywhere else, but she hadn't seen him on the grounds and she would wait for him if he was out. That would give her more time to prepare what to say. At least she had stopped crying. She wasn't ashamed to cry, tears were a part of life and hiding them didn't make her any stronger of a person than expressing them, but she wanted to apologize to him, not make him feel sorry for her. And if she cried while she apologized she had a feeling it wouldn't come off as genuine, it would come off as her just trying to clear her conscience.

Lily felt timid and sheepish approaching the staircase. Her steps were quiet and her heel never rested long on the staircase. She moved gently and gracefully, though her hand steel-gripped the railing along the way for physical and emotional support. Nearly to the top, she froze when the very door she would be knocking on flung open and Sirius Black bounded down the stairs.

When he saw her he didn't grin, smirk, nor wink at her like he had done in the past. His gaze was cold, and chilled straight through her. Tensing up, Lily felt the guilt wave over her again.

"Remus is tutoring a first year."

"Oh well…um…I'm not here for Remus."

Sirius halted two steps up from her, his arms crossed stiffly. "Then why are you here, Evans?"

"I-"

"Because you're not going to have another go at my best friend." He said flatly.

"I wasn't-"

Sirius interrupted again, not looking remotely remorseful for doing so. "I don't care... I thought you were stuck up, but you were still a good person. Then I spent time with you and I thought I had you pegged wrong, Evans. And I did because you aren't a good person. You are just as low as your good friend Snivellius."

Lily paled, her jaw locking and her nostrils flaring.

"You say you fight for the little guy, but you don't. You attacked …the best guy I know. Do you have any idea what he has done for me? What he has done for Remus? What he would do for even a stranger who he has no reason to help?...No. You don't, because you are so determined to hate him that you see everything he's not."

"I was wrong." Lily said, "I came here to apologize to him. I was out of line."

"Yes you were." He looked down at her in disgust.

Lily's lip curled and she said, "I get it. You hate me and I deserve it. I won't bother you in detention. I'll even speak to Slughorn about putting me in a different detention than you if you wish. But I still need to apologize to him."

Sirius scowled.

"So, can you _please_ move?"

He stayed perfectly still, glaring at her until James walked out of their dorm room and said. "You can go, Sirius."

Sirius's expression switched from aggressively protective to concerned in a flat second. "No."

James rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Sirius."

He gave him a meaningful look, before shaking his head, glowering at Lily and continuing down the staircase.

She had a feeling he wasn't completely gone. Just waiting out of sight until they were done talking like an attack dog, but Lily reminded herself it didn't matter. She would apologize and regardless of whether James accepted it she would do the right thing. Though she was doing the right thing, it didn't stop her mouth from drying up at the sight of him. He looked like he always did, but their was a cool indifference in his stance and expression putting a very frigid barrier between them.

"Um…" Lily began nervously shifting her weight. "I just…I wanted to apologize for yesterday. What I said was…quite out of line and undeserved. I don't think what you did was comparable to what the Slytherin's have done. I was just mad, and I took it out on you. You didn't deserve it and…well… I'm sorry."

The silence seemed to last far longer than any silence Lily had ever experienced. He just looked at her, this long blank stare as he leaned against the side wall of the staircase.

"So," Lily said, "You probably don't even care…nor should you care what I think of you, but I just wanted to apologize because regardless I shouldn't have said that. And I don't think you are a horrible person…"

James stood with his back perfectly straight, his eyes cold and not a single flicker of emotion on his face. "Are you finished?"

Lily was horrified. She didn't have the slightest clue how to respond.

"Are you finished?" He repeated, this time sharper.

"Uh…yeah."

James nodded curtly, before twisting around, returning to his room and shutting the door behind him.

She wanted to call after him, but she didn't have the nerve. Most of her opinion of him she had very quickly come to realize was based on largely on assumptions. But it appeared to Lily that James was the type of person that once his good opinion was lost, it was lost forever.

It shouldn't have bothered her at all that he now hated her. Hadn't she felt similarly towards him in the past? She should have felt better, not altogether better because she still had done something quite awful, but a bit better, the kind of better that comes of trying to edit the wrongs we've done. But she somehow felt worse.

Trailing down the stairs, Lily waited to see Sirius standing at the bottom and she wasn't disappointed. He stood, leaning against the wall as if it was a compliment to the wall and eyed her. It wasn't as intense of a glare as before, but it was still a glare. Lily decided to count her losses and accept that from now on she could also count Sirius Black on the list of people that hated her.

"I'll talk to Slughorn." She told him, before turning the corner and heading up the opposite staircase to her own dorm.

She thought to herself, at least she didn't cry.

* * *

Sirius headed back up to his dorm, ignoring the groan from his stomach and saw James lying back on his own bed tossing a Quaffle in the air.

"She seemed sincere." Sirius commented, leaning against James's bedpost.

James said, "…yeah."

Sirius saw the stony expression on his friends face and changed the subject. "What are you going to do about Melanie?"

"Talk to her I suppose." James said, "I don't really know what I can say. I can't control who she talks to or spends time with."

"No, but you can ask what it's supposed to mean that she's doing that."

After a moment of pause James ran his hands over his face and said, "I liked it better when you thought my girlfriend was cheating on me."

Sirius's laugh echoed through the room. "That's wonderful."

"_Isn't it_?" James replied with a bitter smile.

"Come on. I'm starving and you can always eat more." Sirius said grabbing James by the arm and lifting him off his bed.

James shrugged, "Fine."

"You know," Sirius looked at James in disappointment. "I'd thought you'd perk up after she apologized."

"Just because she was a bitch about it, doesn't make her wrong."

"She just said she was wrong."

"Not about me having it easy. She apologized for being rude." James said, "She's right. I can get any job I want when I graduate. Hell, I could not even graduate and in this economy I'd get a better job than her still."

Sirius said, "It's still not your fault."

"Doesn't make it right."

"Doesn't make her right either. I told you, she's just bored and angry about her life. It has nothing to do with you."

James said, "Doesn't it? I always like to think I'm better than them. That we are the more evolved version of them. That we would never be caught dead doing things they would do."

"Do you think they would have stopped Snape?" Sirius said flatly. "Do you think they would have risked their own life and the reputation of their friends for someone they despised?"

He adjusted his glasses with a sigh. "Still."

"Look," Sirius put his hands on James's shoulders. "You are human. Give yourself a break. You are not the monster Evans said you are. So stop beating yourself up about something that you haven't done."

"I just…" He said quieter, "I don't want him to be disappointed in me."

Sirius's face fell and his grip on James became so tight it almost hurt him. "He wouldn't be. Don't you ever think that."

James didn't move, but then begrudgingly nodded.

* * *

The two of them nearly made it in time for lunch when James saw his girlfriend standing by the staircase to the dungeons and talking to a Slytherin 7th year girl. James clamped up and told Sirius he'd meet him in the hall, before walking over to her.

"Can I talk to you?" He asked her.

She forced a smile and said goodbye to her new friend, before tossing her arms around his neck. "Hey, love."

He grabbed her arms and brought them down to his chest. "Mel, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've made a lot of new friends recently." He noted.

She pinched her face together, like she did when she was trying to pick her words carefully. "And?"

"And, I'm noticing they all have a similar theme."

"Oh, don't start with that muggleborn rights nonsense! I'm not doing anything or hurting anyone."

James said, "No, but your friends do."

She let go of his hands and flicked her hair back. "James, where do you think this is all headed? We have to pick a side. Our family, the pureblood's or the muggleborn's. And I'm sorry, I know you like to root for the underdog, but I'm not going to waste my life fighting for mudblood's-" She halted, her eyes widening. "I didn't mean to-"

"I think you did." James said, his lips curling and his arms crossing. "You think we have to pick sides like it's a choice. Like the answer should be something we even have to consider."

"You're right. It isn't. Pureblood's have the purest blood. We have the heritage, tradition and we deserve to have the prestige."

"I can't believe you just said that..."

"Oh don't act innocent and make me the villain here." She retorted. "I've never discriminated or attacked anyone. I'm just saying we need to make our allegiances known or we will go down with the muggleborn's. The world is changing and we can't just be neutral anymore." Melanie took his hands. "They won't make it, James. You know that. They don't have enough power. We have to get on the winning side of this."

His jaw dropped and he looked down at her incredulously. "The winning side?...You are talking about letting people murder and ostracize innocent people for no reason."

"I'm not saying the methods are right." She admitted, attempting to slip her arms back around him. "I'm just trying to do what's best."

"If you think becoming friends with Death Eater's is best…" James looked her over, shaking his head slowly and pulling away from her. "We need to break up."

Her eyes flashed in shock. "…What?!"

"I can't do this. What they are doing, what they are planning to do is wrong. I won't have a part of it."

"And what are you going to do about it?"

James said. "Stop them."

She let out an empty laugh. "Seriously?! You think you can do that."

"I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone else whether they have the right to be considered a person. And what about the muggles? Do you really think they'll just resort to sectioning off the muggleborn's and then just leave the muggle's as they are? Like it will be a peaceful separation and then the muggle's can do as they please?"

Melanie spluttered, "Well…no…I…"

"They will slaughter all of them, just because they're not exactly them. And you're standing here…" He scoffed, "Asking me what I'm going to do about it like it's a consideration."

"Just try and be reasonable-"

"Sorry, no." He shot back, "I can't be reasonable. Your logic is so amoral and so...so wrong…"

"James, you have an obligation-" Melanie began.

James said, "_That_ we agree on. I have an obligation to help people that need it and use what power I do have to make things easier on them. Not…this picking the winning side shit that you are trying to sell me."

Melanie's eyes fell to the floor, her lips pressed together.

"We are headed in different directions, and I will not go where you are going. I'm sorry, we're done." He said simply before stepping back, looking at her one more time before heading into the Great Hall.

* * *

Sirius was stuffing his face, but he looked up when James sat down next to him, and stopped eating long enough to ask him. "Alright?"

"I'm alright."

"Stag again?"

James grinned at his word choice and nudged Sirius, "I'm always stag."

Sirius snorted. "You are a loser, mate."

"Probably." James said grabbing a plate for himself and filling it with food.

For a moment he thought about what he just did, but the thought didn't linger long. In the distance he saw Melanie head to her table. She was crying, but he resisted the urge to go talk to her. He cared about her, but he couldn't be with someone who held beliefs not only different from his own but the polar opposite. He wasn't happy about it, but there was nothing more he could do. She would be fine, they didn't date long enough for the break-up to cause either of them lasting damage.

Across the table he watched Remus and Peter debate who would have a better Quidditch team the next year depending on who would be picked for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw captain's. He glanced down the table like he always did, but this time his eyes stopped at Lily. It had been a long time since he let himself look for her. He learned his lesson the year before that liking Lily Evans wasn't in his best interest, but that wasn't why he looked at her now.

Now he knew she was wrong. He would never stand idly by and let someone get hurt. He would never treat her the way she expected everyone with his blood status to treat her, but he needed to be reminded of that. The fact that he hadn't yelled back at her, the fact that he didn't know what to say spoke volumes. James should have yelled back, but he had been shocked. No one had ever yelled at him like that before. And although she had apologized, and by all accounts seemed to mean it, he still felt irritated by her.

She was sitting next to Mary McDonald, was listening to what Mary was saying, but her whole demeanor was shifted. Lily normally sat up straight, with her hands intertwined and a smile not far from her face. He didn't know how he knew that. It wasn't something he had actively learned, but it was probably like the way you know which way your neighbor cuts their grass or where they place their Christmas lights, you don't try to attain the information. You just, know.

He didn't regret being cold to her, but he didn't know how long he was going to be able to hold onto that. Sirius had once told him he was never much good at hold a grudge, and he had a point. It was hard for him to stay angry at anyone for longer than a few hours, even if they deserved it, but with Evans he was going to do his best. He wasn't going to hate her forever, but just long enough so she would think twice before being rude to him again.

* * *

Lily had never been more thankful that the week before finals they only had one class per day. Seeing James twice in one day was more than enough, but she had a plan. She would just stay away from him and just do everything possible to not interact with him. For her first three years at Hogwarts, she never interacted with him at all so it certainly could be done. It was just clear that they just didn't mix well and there was no reason for them to push that. Lily couldn't really see him ever forgiving her, or any reason for them to be anything other than classmates anyway. Maybe this was for the best. They would have never made any sense as friends or anything like that anyway. She apologized and now they would go on as they had before.

She sat down in her usual seat next to Mary, and listened to her friend gush more about her internship. Mary's eyes were wide, and her voice high as she said, "And I won't just get to look at the level 1 plants. After the first month I get to look at the dangerous and interesting stuff!"

Lily chuckled, "You do?"

"Yes! I wrote back and asked what kind of stuff I will be working with. I asked politely and she gave me a bullet point list of all of the things!"

"Will you be working with a group or directly with this lady?"

"Both! There are three other applicants from the other schools and we will be given separate projects but we will confer with each other. OOH! And did I tell you I'll be staying at Salem Witch Academy?!"

Lily giggled at Mary. "Yes, you did."

"Can you imagine what other Wizarding School's are like?! I've only seen Hogwarts."

"I've actually read a book about it. We'll swing by the library after class, I think I know what section it's in."

"I'm just so excited!"

Lily said, "You should be! You are going to have so much fun. They have Quidditch there don't they?"

"Yeah!"

"Then you can also go to games! It will be great!"

Mary beamed. "Right?! I'm so excited.

"But first, we have to pass our finals." Lily said pulling out her notes.

"Eh, last class." Mary waved her off, a smile never far from her lips.

McGonagall flicked her wand to put the review on the board. "All of you work silently by going over the questions, and if you have anything you don't understand, now is the time to ask me. I will have you all split off into partners. I expect all of you to take this seriously as this is your last formal chance to prepare for your exams next week. You may begin."

Though she respected McGonagall greatly, she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. If anyone didn't know something by now they were screwed. Not that, that gave her a lot of room for success, but as long as she vaguely understood everything she didn't really care too much. She was a good student, excellent at writing papers and understanding concepts, but after everything that had happened in the past two weeks, she just didn't have it in her to get stressed out. Even if she failed her finals she would still pass all of her classes, so now she was just trying to not make it destroy what she'd been doing all semester.

It was hard though. It was hard to care when everything inside of her was telling her not to. She needed to be out of school and start summer. Yeah, living with Petunia wouldn't be much better, but at least if she said hateful things to her it would be earned and returned.

She had started to go through the review, but she had heard Mary humming next to her. Mary was so happy, and she was happy for her, but she hadn't told her about what happened with James. If she did, Mary would worry and she would stop being happy and if there was one person that deserved to be happy it was Mary McDonald and she wasn't going to ruin that for her. Mary was going to have a great time in America, and Lily was going to write her three times a week and find out all the cool things she was doing, not because she had to, but because sometimes it was the little things in Mary's life that made Lily's better.

Her quill had been hovering over her parchment for quite a few minutes when McGonagall had walked past her. Her eyes focused on the window, and the grounds, though she wasn't really looking at them. Unintentionally she began picturing all the things Mary would do. Maybe she would get over her fear of swimming and swim in the Ocean with her American friends. Maybe she would try horrible American fried foods and wear shorts without caring how her thighs looked in them. Maybe she would see things she would have never been able to see before and maybe for once Mary wouldn't be stuck in her house. She'd actually get to do all of the things she'd told Lily she'd wanted to when they were first years. The idea brought a bright smile to her face and distracted her from her work long enough for McGonagall to be annoyed.

"Ms. Evans?"

Lily jumped. "Yes, professor?"

"Do you recall when I said you were to take this review seriously?"

Sinking down in her chair, Lily grimaced and said, "Yes, professor."

"You don't seem to be able to pay attention there. Perhaps a change of seat will help you focus."

"Oh, no." She began apologetically, "I will-"

"I'm sure, Mr. Black would like a break from Mr. Potter." Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but McGonagall grabbed him by the collar and lifted him up with a smile. "Please take Ms. Evans seat. The walk will be good for you, it gives you time to rethink touching the teachers staff room."

Sirius looked extremely pale as James tried to hide the plans under his book. "We-"

"Lying ages you Mr. Black. I suggest you don't make an old woman out of me." She said sternly gesturing for him to move.

Noticing the lost cause, Sirius scowled and walked over to Lily.

Lily wasn't moving with such ease. She thought for a minute that she was hallucinating. McGonagall hadn't spoken to her at all, she was just daydreaming. There was no way she had moved Lily exactly to the one seat she wanted to sit in the least. It was not possible. No one could be that unlucky.

But when Sirius stood above her haughtily, she realized no, no one could be that unlucky, but she could.

* * *

She stared up at him with this wide horrified look on her face.

"Move, Evans." He scoffed darkly, "You can keep looking, but I only get better looking, Evans."

McGonagall said, "Ms. Evans if you would move."

Lily rose to her feet, collected her things, with his disjointed look on her face like she had dislocated something. She rubbed her eyes and reluctantly sat in the seat next to James, careful to not touch him or knock into him as she passed him. For the remaining hour and 3 minutes of class she would do her work, and not bother him.

This was painful and awkward; she was close enough to hear his breaths and feel him shift in his seat when he ran his hand through his hair. But after this, she wouldn't ever have to be this close to him. She wouldn't notice, much to her own remorse, how spectacular his jaw was. That was something she would easily be able to ignore back in her usual seat, but this close, she saw everything she preferred not knowing. Like how broad his shoulders were, or how his nose twitched when he was concentrating.

All of that maybe could have been bearable if, in her hyperawareness of him, she didn't notice the distant smell of his cologne.

Lily Evans, the offender of one of the most offensively attractive men she'd ever the misfortune to encounter, she was a tragedy, a ridiculous tragedy to all single teenage girls everywhere and she couldn't deny it.

After a considerable amount of time, McGonagall spoke to the class again. "Now please work with your partner next to you."

She started to laugh. Lily actively started laughing. She never believed in fate. Lily always preferred to think she was the only one in control of her own life, but at that moment she believed in it.

Oh did she ever.

Fate existed, and she did something to piss it off. That was the only way she could have been stuck in this predicament. She would have understood running into him at detention, his best friend was meant to be there after all. And perhaps she would have even understood McGonagall moving her because she wasn't paying attention. It was, after all, something McGonagall had done on occasion to other students.

But seriously?!

Not only was she put next to the person that hated her most in the world, which was just, bloody perfect. But now she had to not only talk to him, but work with him? Where was the judge? Where was the jury that had deemed her fit to serve this?

Pulling herself together, Lily sucked in a breath and waited for James to speak. Normally she would take charge and move past the tension, but only three hours earlier he had made it very clear how much he disliked her, she thought he should take the lead.

The classroom was loud, and there was a flicker of spells happening, so Lily didn't notice at first that Avery's dear friend Evan Rosier turn around in his chair. Though, his gaze wasn't on Lily, it was on James.

"Potter," He sneered, "I hear Hall dumped your blood-traitor arse."

James, who had seemed to be unaffected and numb until this point, came alive. His hazel eyes narrowed, and they darkened. "I can see why you are interested, Rosier. _But you're not my type_."

Rosier flushed and continued. "Word is she left you because of your disgusting affiliation with mudbloods."

Lily's throat constricted, and she glowered at Snape. He was Rosier's partner, and was silently smirking at the conversation, enjoying every moment of James's discomfort.

"Rosier," James laughed coldly, tapping his fingers on the surface of the table. "Why are you picking a row with me? You know very well I could hand you your arse on a platter. So what is it? Do you get a thrill out of it? Is that your kink?"

Rosier nearly leapt out of his seat to throttle James, but Snape put a hand on him to push him back into his seat. "Don't be stupid."

"Wouldn't want that would we Snevillus?" James shot at him. "Then he might realize that he actually _is_ stupid."

Snape's black eyes zeroed in on James. "What? And you're intelligent, Potter? You wouldn't get a thing if it wasn't for your family name."

"Is this about my grade in here? How it's higher than yours?" James said in a mockingly sympathetic voice. "Is that a sensitive subject for you?"

"You arrogant-"

"Yes, but wouldn't you be if you were me?" James smirked at Snape. "I after all don't associate with people like _him_." He gestured to Rosier.

Rosier snarled, "I bet she dumped you because you couldn't cut it."

"Ah, naturally. A remark to my manhood. By all means Rosier, cheapen my masculinity to make you feel more superior about your own."

This time Snape wasn't quick enough, Rosier lunged at James, swinging madly. James knocked him off with two hits, tossing Rosier to the floor. He had a cut on his lip, but otherwise he was unharmed.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" McGonagall roared, flicking her wand to knock Rosier away from James as he attempted to get back up.

James stood up, his wand out and ready to take on Snape should he chose to defend his partner's lost honor, but Snape didn't move. He either didn't care or didn't think it was worth it.

McGonagall asked, "What happened?"

Lily answered simply, "Rosier was trying to pick a fight with James, and then he attacked him. Potter didn't do anything."

Rosier tried to stand. "She's a liar!"

"I'm not lying."

"You can't trust what a mudblood bitch-" He began viciously.

James stepped forward menacingly, "Don't-call-her-that."

"Potter," Lily grabbed his arm to pull him back. "Leave it. He's not worth it."

She didn't realize she had done it, until James looked down at her and for a brief moment their eyes locked. There wasn't any hatred or anger between them, but there was something. Something that both of them seemed to not know how to respond to.

Her breaths grew short and though she should have let go of him, she didn't until McGonagall began to speak. Regardless, if James had a problem with it he didn't voice it.

McGonagall said warily. "Mr. Potter, switch places with Mr. Pettigrew. Everyone continue working while I escort Mr. Rosier to the Headmaster's office…If any of you have any questions Mr. Potter will have the answers. And if any of the rest of you decide to start a fight or do anything other than work quietly amongst yourselves, you will not be pleased with the result."

Rosier stormed out of the room, and McGonagall tutted after him. "Mr. Rosier, you must have very poor blood pressure."


	6. Secrets

_This time, don't need another perfect line_  
_Don't care if critics ever jump in line_  
_I'm gonna give all my secrets away_

**-OneRepublic-**

* * *

Working with Peter Pettigrew wasn't nearly as forced or difficult as she would have imagined. She thought that as he was very clearly the least intelligent Marauder and seemed to have trouble in other classes that he would struggle. But he didn't struggle more than most other students and when he did it was always that he just didn't understand something that was easily fixable. It was actually really nice to be partnered with him because when she would forget to do something he would quietly remind her and when they went over a concept she would always explain it for him differently every time so it would become more fixed to him.

None of this however kept her mind from James Potter.

He had stood up for her, he was willing to lay Rosier out on the floor for her, and it wasn't personal either, it was his instinctual reaction to what Rosier was saying. That didn't stop her from appreciating the gesture. It was odd but when Rosier when personal on James he never had a reaction but amusement until it turned to him insulting Lily.

It was never clearer to Lily than in that moment of just how much she had misread James. He was a prick and could be a royal one, but he was chivalrous too, quite willing to protect and defend others. It was…nice and something she wouldn't have expected. Maybe because no one can come to her defense in Potions, but then if he and Sirius had been paying attention would they have?

She remembered seeing the two of them cackling together, but she assumed they were laughing at her. It never occurred to her that since they were near the back of the room they could have been one of the few people to not see what happened.

Or she could be trying to make something out of nothing.

Either way, she had a rather hard time getting him off her mind.

Peter however was a very good distraction. He was quiet, but very friendly and polite. Lily could see why now he had so many friends. "You're really good at this."

She blushed and snorted. "It's not natural. I think I like transfiguration the least out of everything. I just make myself study."

"How do you do that? I can't convince myself to do it unless Remus and Sirius physically make me."

"I have a reward system. If I do an hour of studying I get half a chocolate bar, if I do two I get the whole thing. And every 25 minutes I rest my eyes for five minutes to give them a break. Also I bewitch everything I'd be reading or doing to hit me if I touch them so sometimes Mary comes in and finds a stack of comic books slapping me repeatedly."

A high-pitched little squeak of giggle left his lips. "That's a great idea. I never thought of that."

"Honestly, try it. You'll be a little battered, but you will do all of your homework and be less stressed."

He smiled, just as McGonagall returned. Peter snickered, "She looks livid."

Lily nodded, "I think one of these days she's going to snap and hex the hell out of a student."

"I hope it's Rosier."

"Me too."

McGonagall let out a shallow sigh, before addressing the class. "I apologize to all of you for the inconvenience. You may leave as soon as you finish and my office will be open Saturday morning for any last minute question before next week's final exam. Study and don't leave it for the last minute, I will be able to tell."

Packing up her things, Lily said to Peter. "It was nice working with you Peter."

"Likewise." He nodded before strolling over to join James, Sirius and Remus.

For a beat she considered going over and thanking James, but she didn't. He wouldn't look at her when she look over at him. He seemed to pointedly looking everywhere but her direction and she got the hint. Nothing between them was different and Lily wasn't going to rock that boat. She headed to Mary and saw Mary giving her a strange look.

"What?" Lily asked adjusting the strap of her bag.

"What was that with James?"

"What was what? Rosier was just being a prat."

Mary linked arms with her, "Yes but why did you hold him back?"

"Because I didn't want him to get into a fight over something so stupid."

"Huh."

Lily frowned, "What?"

"Nothing."

"You are so full of it! What?"

Mary smirked, "You didn't just hold him back. You told McGonagall he didn't do anything wrong. You defended him."

"He didn't do anything wrong."

"So? She wasn't asking you specifically. You could have stayed out of it."

Lily hadn't considered that. She paused, "I probably should have."

"But you didn't…which is highly interesting."

"How so?"

"Why would Lily Evans get in between a fight of two pureblood's?"

Lily said nothing.

"Especially when you've made it clear that, that's all you view James as."

"I don't know…It happened fast."

Mary said, "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying it's interesting."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Do you want to get that book from the library?"

"Sure."

"Stop smirking."

"I'm not." Mary lied, tugging Lily closer when she tried to walk faster.

Lily nudged her with a laugh. "You're a jerk."

"Nah." Mary laughed. "I'm your favorite."

"Ah huh."

Mary released Lily's arm and then jumped on her back. "Admittttttttt itttt!"

Lily laughed and nearly buckled under Mary's weight in surprise. "Mary!"

"ADMIT IT!"

Unable to stop laughing, Lily dropped to the floor with Mary falling down next to her. "What's…wrong….with…you?!"

Mary cackled and didn't respond as she herself was shaking with laughter. For several minutes the pair laid there, while others walked around the two of them, as every time they caught their breaths they'd start laughing again.

* * *

The boys headed to the grounds with Remus leading the way. "I'm proud of you for holding back… but I would have liked to see you knock Rosier on his arse."

"I'm capable of restraint." James said.

Sirius took a bite of an apple haughtily. "Eh…I'm bored."

"Where did you get that apple?" Remus wanted to know.

"Lunch."

"I got the last apple and when I looked back at my plate it was gone."

Sirius tossed his arm around Remus, "Lighten up, Moony. I need the energy to keep up with you tomorrow night."

James and Peter busted out laughing and Remus glared at Sirius. "Do you have to make everything sound sexual? This is why people think I'm gay."

"No people think you're gay because you won't date anyone and you are always around attractive men." Sirius told him before adding teasingly. "Don't mind them, _they are just jealous_."

"Yes," James nodded solemnly, "So very jealous."

Remus rolled his eyes with a scoff. "Why am I friends with you lot?"

"Because you would be lost and in a dire state without us. Probably a hobo."

"So, despite the fact that I have a home, and am able to take care of myself you're saying I'd be on the streets."

"Exactly."

Remus nodded briefly to himself before pulling Sirius into a headlock. The pair of them twisted around and then after a moment of struggle, tumbling to the ground. James leaned one arm Peter's shoulder, while he watched with mild amusement as his best friends attempted to best each other.

"Why does he always try to use his legs?" James questioned Peter, "Remus's legs are longer."

"I think he's going for strength…It's no better than Remus."

He said, "Yeah, Sirius is much stronger…Hence why we are vastly more intelligent than they Wormtail."

"Agreed." Peter grinned.

James asked, "So how did your review go?"

"Really good actually. Evans was a good partner."

"Good."

Peter's watery blue eyes shifted from the pathetic fight before him up to James. "Why?"

"I knew you were struggling with a few of the concepts."

"Eh, I always get the grade I need." He said, "Is it true about you and Melanie?"

"Is what true?"

Peter frowned.

"What?"

"I heard that she broke up with you."

James shook his head. "We aren't together, but I broke up with her."

"…Why?"

He said quietly. "It's complicated."

Peter didn't press it farther, but the frown remained on his face. The insecurities played on his features in full view for anyone to see. He thought that it was him, that if it were Sirius asking he would talk about it, because Sirius was James's closest friend. It always pained Peter how aggressive it was that though he was friends with both of them, he would never be as close to either of them as they were to each other.

"Alright!" James called stepping forward and tugging Sirius off of Remus. "You both lost."

Sirius scoffed, pushing himself off the ground and after a moment helping Remus up. "Hardly. I beat his arse."

Remus said, "Delusional," under his breath, before the four of them continued onto the edge of the forbidden forest.

* * *

Though she had written a long letter to Slughorn begging him to separate her from Sirius, it did nothing to weaken his resolve. It seemed that even though she was one of his favorite pupil's it wasn't going to let her out of working with Sirius indefinitely. The night before she had Prefect rounds after Transfiguration so she managed to get out of that one cleanly, but as that was her last round of the year, that was the last free pass.

So a few hours after her Charms review she headed to the Great Hall, where she and Sirius were to clean the floors until the doors opened, which would be about forty minutes in.

Lily had served enough detentions now to know how things worked. Slughorn was easily the most lax teacher when it came to detention. She heard that McGonagall would sit in on the detention and watch the participants like a hawk, knowing if they weren't doing what they were supposed to and assigning more detentions if they crossed her. Whereas Slughorn never sat in and didn't really check in to make sure that they stayed the whole time. It was actually quite beautiful.

That was probably one of the reasons why the first time in a long time she wasn't walking around angry. Well that and because she spent the past day running around with Mary. Her good mood even gave her a bit of a glow and she carried that with her as she walked into the Great Hall.

Sirius could give her hell, but she wasn't particularly worried about that. If Sirius still hated her then there was nothing she could do about it. And frankly she was tried of worrying, tired of being stressed over everything. She'd made her peace with what happened, and if he couldn't then she really didn't give a damn.

It was what it was.

When she strolled into the Great Hall he wasn't there but the supplies were set up so she could have waited for Sirius, but she didn't. Instead of wasting her time scrubbing the floors like she was supposed to she took her wand out and fixed the brushes to the bottom of her shoes like wheels. Then she dumped the water across the hall and started moving across the floor like she was ice-skating.

She was laughing, spinning and even attempting to do tricks like on a skateboard. Lily didn't see Sirius come in, nor did she stop going when she did see him standing in the doorway.

He yelled, "Evans, what in the bloody hell are you doing?"

Lily glided over to him, grinning deliriously. "Here!" She bent down, made him lift his feet and then she glued the brush to the bottom of his foot with her wand. "And then you just move!"

"By why doesn't it-?"

"Magic!" She said in a sing-song voice, kicking the other bucket to add more water and soap to the floor, before taking off again.

Sirius started moving gawkily, before he began to get the hang of it. "What is this?"

"It's like…Oh wizard's don't do that." Lily said, "There's a bunch of muggle sports that do this."

"Muggle's are weird." He grinned, "How are you doing that?"

"Switch the weight on your feet when you move."

Sirius did as instructed and instead slipped and fell hard.

"Oh shit!" Lily laughed, "You weren't supposed to do it that hard."

"How was I supposed to know?!"

Lily grabbed his hand and helped him up. "You oaf! Come on! We have to clean these floors."

"You are mad, Evans."

"Eh," She shrugged. "Beats scrubbing the floors by hand."

"I'm not going to deny that. But I would have never thought of this."

"You should have taken Muggle Studies." Lily said before sliding down the hall to where the Staff table normally sat.

Sirius said, "I did for the first five years, but they would only teach about the basics, like how you store food or travel, nothing exciting."

"Well when there is ice we glide across it on skates, and when there's a solid ground we put wheels on our shoes and roll around on them."

"You are acting strange."

"You've just never seen me when I'm happy." She declared throwing her arms into the air. "Our last review is tomorrow! Then just a few exams next week and I can relax."

Sirius nodded, twirling in a circle. "Summer will be a fantastic change."

Lily grinned in agreement, but then she stopped moving and her face fell. The tables were moved against the walls so she leaned back against one of them with a distant look on her face.

"What?"

"N-nothing." She shook her head and went back to mowing around the room.

Sirius moved around for a bit, biting the edge of his lip before he swore under his breath. "Evans, what was that?"

"What?"

He slid in front of her. "Look, Evans. I don't like what you did to James. But I work on a two-strike policy. So out with it. What was with the face?"

She furrowed her eyebrows and looked down. "I just…I've been so busy I didn't think."

"What?"

Lily didn't get to answer because at that moment there was a loud howl coming from the grounds. "What the hell?!"

Sirius said in a panicked voice. "That's too close to school."

"What is?"

He took off running, brashly using his wand to unlink the brush from his heels and bolt through the doors. Lily followed doing the same to her shoes. She didn't think about where he was going or what he was doing, she just ran after him.

They broke out of the castle and bolted down the grass of the grounds and Lily skidded to a stop when she saw a full transformed werewolf standing at the edge of the forbidden forest.

"Oh…holy…shit." Lily breathed. "That's…that's a werewolf."

Sirius had his wand out, but he was paying no attention to her. His eyes were scanning the woods for something, but he didn't see it. "Son of a bitch…"

"Sirius, it's um It's looking at us…UH it's like really looking at us. It's going to come over here..." She began in a shaky voice. "If you have any of those clever ideas of yours. Now would be the time."

"Evans, on a scale of 1 to 10 how resourceful would you say you are?"

"Zero."

"Well, you are going to need to get resourceful. I need to get to the whomping willow and I need to use every charm you can think of to distract him."

"What?!"

Sirius blinked, "Right. Horrible plan. Okay, you go to the whomping willow, freeze the knot at the base of the tree and go down into the passage."

"The Whomping Willow attacks anyone that comes near it."

"Then you better move fast."

Lily looked at him in outrage. Her breaths were uneven, and her eyebrows shot straight up. "What the hell are you going to do?"

"Evans," Sirius grabbed her arms, his grey eyes seared into her. "You run as fast as you can, there will be stairs, scream out until you hear someone. I will keep him occupied."

"What am I looking for?!"

"James."

* * *

Lily tried to think of the last time she was this scared and she couldn't. A rational person would have never left the Great Hall. A rational person would have never come with Sirius Black out into the grounds in the middle of the night. A rational person would never have heard a howl and followed it. But Lily, oh Lily, wasn't thinking. She acted on some rouge instinct she didn't know she had and now she was sprinting, not jogging, not running, but moving so fast she thought her legs were going to fall off.

Her hair rippled in the wind, and she pushed harder and faster until her lungs burned from the effort. She had no idea what she was going to do. There was no plan; she didn't even know why she was looking for James. How could he stop the werewolf? And how was Sirius planning on distracting the werewolf? All things she should have asked or should have considered, but everything was happening far too fast for her to think about anything but reaching the whomping willow. She had no idea what was happening, but Sirius seemed to, and for some reason Lily was putting her faith in him.

"How the …" She muttered watching the whomping willow stretch its branches to attack.

First she did a stunning charm, but that just seemed to piss the tree off. Finally she decided there was only one way. She wasn't the most athletic person, but she somehow managed to get around the branches and dunk in time to dive into the roots of the tree.

She winced, and cried out as the branch came down and clawed at her back. It hit her several times before she managed to freeze the knot and fall down through the opening of the secret passage. Her body hit the ground hard, but not hard enough to do any more damage than bruising. Groaning, Lily pushed herself up, and looked around. There was a tunnel, but at the end there were stairs. She followed them, her body aching slightly as she attempted to run.

It seemed to be a broken down house of sorts, but it looked like a pack of wild animals were left in the house during a tornado. Why would James possibly be in this building? James was reckless yes, stupid no.

"Potter?" She said at first, quietly, the stairs whining under her weight. "POTTER?!"

She saw a man lying on the floor, and rushed over to him. He was far too heavy to be James, but once Lily saw his mousy brown hair she said, "Peter?!"

He didn't move, until she went over to him. He grimaced and flinched at the sight of her, "L-Lily?"

"Jesus…what happened to you? Can you get up?"

He shook his head. "My l-l-legs are broken."

"Okay, um…I'll get you out of here…just…" Lily breathed shallowly. "Sirius said James was here too."

"Um…" Peter closed his swollen eyes for a minute. "I think he's over there."

Lily followed the direction of his gaze and paled. "…Peter…I'll be back…"

Her arms tightened to her sides and she stepped over the broken wooden beams that lead to three fallen beams, which were all split from a collision. Wand out, she peeked around on her tiptoes and saw James under the wreckage. His eyes were closed and a trickle of blood was in the corner of his mouth, and he was still, leaning against the wall, a dent in the wall behind him.

"Oh god…" She rushed forward, and said, "Enervate."

His eyes fluttered open, and he tensed.

"Potter?"

James coughed and flinched. His full lips oddly discolored and trembling.

"Potter?" Lily said softer, "Can you hear me?"

He nodded slowly and said hoarsely. "Yeah."

"What…?" Lily started, but then everything fell into place. The reason why they were out there, why Sirius would even consider distracting a fully-grown werewolf and why Remus wasn't there with them. "…._Oh_."

"What… are you doing here?"

"Um…it's a long story, but Sirius is distract the…well…I guess Remus."

James's hazel eyes widened. "You-?"

"Let's not get into it now. You could be bleeding internally…and Peter broke his legs…I have to get you out of here-"

"I'm fine. Just get Peter to the hospital wing." He wheezed, clutching his ribs.

"You are in more serious damage than him." Lily explained gently. "I'm going to help you up and help you out. If you fight me I will sedate you and carry you out."

"Evans," He half-laughed, "You can't-"

"Try me."

James looked her over, before giving her a heavy sigh. "Fine, Evans."

Lily carefully swooped under him, widened her stance and began to lift him. He wasn't that heavy but it was mostly dead weight and this was one of the first times in her life she was happy being average height. If she were short she wouldn't have the leverage to do this, but she had just enough leg to position it correctly. James rested his arm on her shoulder and her arm went around his waist awkwardly.

"Am I hurting you?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "It's…it's fine."

"Peter," Lily told him. "Just stay down, okay? I will come back for you?"

Peter raised a weak hand in acknowledgement as they passed by him. James was shuddering involuntarily and Lily looked up at him her oval eyes filled with panic and fear. "Potter, hold on. "

"I don't know I…I can't..."

"Listen to me." She said, attempting to sound stern. "You are James Potter. You are going to hold onto me and we are going to get you to the Hospital Wing. You will say…I don't know what story you will make up, but I'm sure you will figure out a good one. Just…please…make it up the stairs. I can hover you the rest of the way if you want."

James swallowed and nodded back to her, a trickle of sweat rolling down his face.

He stepped on her foot once or twice, but she bit back a growl and kept moving. Uncharacteristically clumsy, he was crumbled down to her height despite the height difference.

"We have to stop meeting like this." Lily joked with him as they made it up the steps to the hospital wing. "One more and I get a free sugar quill."

"Make it two." He gasped, when she dropped him onto the nearest bed.

"MADAME POMFREY! COME QUICK!"

James grabbed her wrist, "What are you doing?"

"I can fix Peter's legs. I can't fix _you_." She told him simply, before the nurse came running.

"What happened?!" The nurse screeched.

Lily sighed forlornly, "He fell off the Astronomy tower. I slowed him down, but I didn't catch him before he hit the ground."

"Why would you do that?!" She asked him.

"Um…Er…He was trying to get me to go out with him." Lily said rolling her eyes. "Boys, right?"

Madame Pomfrey didn't see the look James gave Lily, she started examining James and Lily quietly snuck out of the room hearing on the way out, "Honestly! Jumping off a building to get the attention of a girl! I knew you were a risk taker, but not utterly stupid!"

* * *

Waiting for Lily to return felt like an eternity. First Madame Pomfrey broke every bone in his body and then popped it back into place; at least that's what it felt like. She said the damage looked worse than it was. Somehow getting hurt in his animagus form cushioned a lot of the injury, but he didn't inform the nurse of that. She seemed confused, but not willing to ask any further questions, although she didn't mind lecturing him on how he should or shouldn't interact with women.

"A young man such as yourself should compliment a girl."

James shook his head, downing the repulsive potion she handed him. "That won't work on her."

"Have you tried it?"

"She'll think I'm just saying it to say it."

"Well," She fixed his blankets, "There will be a solution, one which doesn't require you to get hurt. Why did you think that was a good idea?"

James said wryly, "It does sound like a horrible plan doesn't?"

"Well you think about that more next time. Get some rest. The feeling to your limbs should return in the morning."

"ggggreat."

She returned to her room, and just as she did Lily and Peter entered the room. Peter was limping, but he seemed to be alright by the look of him, exhausted and worn, but not seriously hurt. Lily was only an inch or two shorter than Peter but he was still leaning most of his weight on her causing her to involuntarily flinch occasionally.

"…Prongs?" Peter said, his brown hair plastered to his clammy forehead.

"How are you?" James mumbled back.

"Sore. You?"

"I can't feel anything."

Lily dropped Peter down on the bed next to James. "I fixed his legs mostly, but I didn't know any charms to help kill the pain."

Peter waved her off, slightly delirious. "I'll figure it out."

"We'll knick some potions once Sirius gets back." James reassured him.

Lily grabbed a chair and collapsed into it. Her red hair seemed to have been in a ponytail, but now the rubber band was clinging the ends of her hair, and now her long wavy hair was wild. James swallowed hard seeing the thin crimson marks on her arms and face from battling the Whomping Willow.

"Alright, Evans?"

She nodded, a yawn escaping her.

He eyed her carefully, his head tilting and the creases around his mouth appearing. "What were you even doing out there?"

"I had detention with Sirius. And we heard…well we heard a howl and it was too close to the castle."

"You shouldn't have gone out there."

Lily paused and frowned, "Then who would have saved you?"

James flushed, his lips curling. "I just meant…you could have gotten hurt."

"I appreciate your concern, but I can protect myself." Her tone softened at the look of concern apparent on his face. "Unlike some people in this room."

He snorted, "You are never going to let that go are you?"

"That I saved the great and powerful James Potter? Absolutely not." She teased him.

He grinned at her just as he heard a rather familiar loud snore. "He's out?"

"Like a light." Lily sighed rubbing her sore neck. "Did the nurse say what was wrong with you?"

"I'll be fine."

"That's not what I asked."

He closed his eyes. "I can't remember, she said I'd be fine."

"How long does he…" She lowered her voice apprehensively, "I mean…when will Remus be Remus?"

James's eyes snapped open. "You can't tell anyone about this."

"Potter, I've been friends with Remus longer than you have. So save it."

"_How have you been friends longer?_!"

"We sat next to each other at the first feast."

James rolled his eyes. "Okay, but I'm being serious."

"I am too." Lily said flatly.

He wanted to say more, but he didn't know what specifically to say. There wasn't a lot of light so he couldn't really read what little he could see from her expression. His opinion of her wasn't always favorable, but she wasn't a snitch. She'd have questions though. After everything she had seen she would expect an explanation and he wanted to spare Remus of that. His body begged him to sleep; he sunk deep into the bed, every atom in him spent, but James didn't listen. Instead, he cleared his throat and forced the energy to speak.

"Evans, just ask."

Lily turned to face him, blinking in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"You just found out something you didn't know. You have questions. Ask them."

"I mean…I pretty much figured most of it out." Lily said sheepishly. "Remus is a…" She lowered her voice, "werewolf, and you three run around with him to protect the castle or something."

James looked at her blankly.

"The only thing I don't know is how you do it. I'm assuming you have to transfigure yourselves into something not human, because he's only a danger to humans…" Lily mumbled, "You could be animagus's…but oh wait you can't, because you'd have to register and take classes on that-"

"You are supposed to."

Lily shifted back from him in astonishment. "But…you can't. It takes years and years to learn how to do that. I read Mary's report on them. It's incredibly difficult. Most fully-grown wizard's can't do it."

"So?"

"It has enormous potential to backfire."

"What's life without a little risk?"

She stared at him for a moment and James pulse moved a little faster. "That's incredibly reckless…even for you. You could have killed yourself doing it."

"He's our friend."

Her eyes studied his face, and he had to repress a smile. He'd never seen it before, but in that millisecond, he saw the look on her eyes and knew that if she ever hated him before she never would now.

She glanced away, crossing her arms. "I wonder what I would be if I turned…Do you get to choose what you turn into?"

"No."

"Hmm…." Lily glanced at Peter. "Is he a squirrel?"

"Close."

She scrunched up her face, "Is it a woodland creature?"

"You could say that."

"…hmmm…Like a mouse?"

James said, "A rat?"

Lily beamed, "I like this game! Okay, now Sirius…does it go for what you are physically like?"

"That and personality traits."

"Oh…Poor Peter." She said pityingly. "That's awful."

"Eh, he takes it in stride."

Lily said, "Okay…Sirius is loud, and…loyal…protective…So …a bear?"

"No."

"Smaller animal or bigger?"

"Smaller."

Lily pressed her fingertips to her lips. "Smaller…smaller…and he has to be bigger than Peter…I keep thinking a dog because of the way he laughs…"

James's face split into a large grin. "You got it."

"Really?! Yessss! Okay now you…" Lily's eyes bore into him, analyzing him from his long skinny legs to his pale face. "Are you bigger or smaller than Sirius?"

"Well, he says he's bigger…" James said coyly.

Lily's shoulders shook with laughter. "I meant as an animal you dolt."

"I'm bigger."

"Hmmmm…Okay …" Her eyes scanned him and he wondered what personality traits she was attributing to him. Probably obnoxious, prideful and irresponsible, but he couldn't think of what animal those qualities would fit which was perhaps what was taking her so long to decide.

"Do you want a hint?"

"No." She said her jaw ticking. "I've got this…you have good hearing."

"I do?"

"You heard me call you a prick from halfway across the table last month when I wasn't even talking to you." Lily pointed out. "You are really alert, and according to Quidditch fast."

James said, "Which means I'm…?"

"I…I lost it…" She groaned, gripping her hair. "What are you?"

"A stag?"

"As in a deer?" Lily asked, her face brightening up. "That's so cute!"

"How is a deer cute?!" He wanted to know.

Lily said, "They're tails flick when they walk and they are so graceful, and they are just …cute."

"So you just call me cute."

Lily laughed hard at him, the sound shaky and warm. "You are an idiot, Potter."

"I'm just saying, that's what you said."

She leaned back in her chair and shook her head.

Another yawn left her and went to him. He groaned. "Evans, stooooooop."

"I'm trying to stay awake."

"You can go back to the dorms. Moony, will talk to you in the morning."

"Moony…God, now I get those stupid nicknames…." Standing up she grabbed another chair to rest her feet on and a blanket.

James frowned and lifted himself up to grab one of this pillows.

"Oh, Potter no! You don't have to honestly-"

He handed her the pillow. "Take it, Evans."

"I honestly just need a blanket."

"Still."

Lily smiled, and leaned over to help him to adjust on his remaining pillow. She said in a very small voice. "Thank you."

And he replied, "You're welcome."

* * *

James didn't know when he drifted off. He had tried his best to stay awake, but he recognized his failure when he awoke in a slight haze. Lily was no longer next to him, though he knew she had been asleep because she had fallen asleep first. Her blanket was draped on the two chairs she was sleeping on. Off on the other side of the room Sirius was passed out on one of the vacant beds with an ice pack wrapped around the side of his face. A bed over Remus and Lily sat next to each other, Remus's fists were visibly quivering and there were tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry…I…I…" He gulped, his head hung in shame. "I-I know you hate me now…and it's nice of you to…um…hear me out."

She gave him a look of disappointment before putting clasping her hand on Remus's fist. "Remus John Lupin," Lily said fiercely, "I love you. My love for you is unconditional."

His lips pressed together and he began to tremble.

Lily said, "Was I surprised that you are a werewolf? Yes. _Because that was new information_. But it in no way affects how important you are to me, or how much I value our friendship."

"How …how can you…?"

"Because I love you, you idiot." Lily smiled at him. "I don't care if you are a werewolf no more than I would care if you were a vampire or you turn into the giant squid every other Thursday. You are my friend and that is all that matters. Okay?"

Remus leaned forward, his face dipping into his hands, his sobs shaking out of him. Lily wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his. "It's okay….I'm here."

He sat up and fell into her arms, his arms circling her close to him. Remus didn't say anything he just pulled her as close as to him as possible.

James's jaw dropped when he saw Lily hug him just as tightly back, whispering incoherent things to him while she rocked him back and forth. They did this for quite a few minutes before Remus calmed down enough for them to separate. When they did Lily gave him a quick peck on the lips and stood up to return to her chair instead of taking a bed. Remus remained on the bed he was, but James's eyes followed Lily.

"Why don't you take a bed?" He asked her quietly.

Lily jumped at the sound of his voice and said, "Oh…I'm already over here."

James said, "…Okay."

Lily's face was completely naked, no make-up, just pale, freckled, dark circles, blemishes and all. Her eyelashes fluttered, and the smallest smile crept onto her face. "Night, Potter."

"Night, Evans."

She grabbed her blanket, and went to sleep, but he stayed up for a few more minutes. He felt like he was in a haze. Maybe it was the potion he took or the numb sensation through his body. Or maybe it was the fact that Lily Evans had decided to sleep next to him rather than in a much more comfortable bed. Whatever it was, James looked at her much longer than he intended to, until he fell asleep facing her.


	7. What You Wanted

_I'll find the places where you hide_  
_I'll be the dawn on your worst night_

**-OneRepublic-**

* * *

Sliding into the seat next to Lily, Dirk stared her down determinedly. Lily turned the page of her book and pursed her lips. Her eyes didn't move, her scowl became more pronounced when he moved closer until he was an inch from the side of her face.

"Why are you breaching my personal space?"

"How was detention last night?"

Lily snorted and turned to face him. "Same as always you creep."

"Ah huh, so riddle me this Lily why didn't you come back to your dorm? Hmmm?"

"Riddle me this," She mocked, "_Such_ a Ravenclaw."

Dirk smirked, "Yes, yes I am. Now why aren't you sharing?"

"What is it that you want me to share?"

"You…Sirius Black…alone in detention all week, all alone and you don't come back…Come on, Lily."

Lily laughed at him, her face ducking into her hands. "What is wrong with you?"

"I just want the _information_."

"What information? What have I supposedly done?"

"Are you saying that you and Sirius Black have nothing going on between you two?"

"I'm saying that I have never done anything romantic with Sirius Black."

Dirk said, "Are you sure?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Because I've been hearing some rumors."

"…About me?" Lily blinked, resting her arms on her notes. "What do these rumors say?"

Dirk shrugged, "That you are Sirius Black's new broom closet buddy."

Lily snorted, "That's my favorite. No I mean it…I want you to spread that one around."

"I figured it was a lie, but when Mary said neither of you came back to the dorm last night I began to wonder. Where were you?"

The events of the night before played in her head, before she shook her head. "Why are you so interested?"

"Because, my dear friend. You've been acting odd lately."

"You read one detective novel and suddenly you think you are one."

"I'm just saying you are hiding something. Perhaps it wasn't Black, but none of the other Marauder's came back either."

"Where do you get your sources?! Do you have an in at the dorms?"

Dirk snickered, "I have my sources."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, that's lovely, but I'm trying to study for our Herbology final. You know the one…it's tomorrow… it counts for 40 % of our grade."

"Please, I already studied, because I, unlike you, prepared ahead of time so that I could use my vast free time to figure out what it is you are up to."

"I'm not _up to_ anything…But while we are on the topic of hiding things. How did your talk with Mary go?"

Dirk's shoulders slouched. "Okay. We're still friends, she just doesn't feel _that way_ about me."

"I'm sorry."

"Honestly…I'm glad I brought it up. I won't have to sit there and wonder _'__what if?' _You know?"

She nodded.

"I wish she felt differently, but I guess we can't choose who we like."

"I wish we could." Lily put her hand on his arm squeezing sympathetically. "I really do."

Dirk said. "Have you ever been rejected?"

"Of course." She laughed moving her hand to half cover her face. "Once I told a guy I liked him and he laughed directly in my face and told me that I was stupid for thinking he would like a girl that looked like a tomato…He shouted it so all of his friends could hear, mind you."

"Bloody hell."

"Yeah, so when I say I get it." Lily patted his shoulder, "_I get it."_

Dirk said, "I guess so."

"What time is it?"

"Just after six."

"Ugh…" Lily sighed, shutting her book. "Food?"

"Sure."

Dirk helped her put away her books and they walked side by side. Lily took one step outside of the library and was immediately swept up off her feet. Her bag fell to the floor with a crash and she was over Sirius Black's shoulder before she could put up much of a protest about it.

"BLACK…." She groaned defeatedly.

"Sorry, Cresswell," Sirius said conversationally, one hand tucked under Lily's legs. "I need to borrow Evans."

"I'm not a book, Black! You can't just borrow me!"

Sirius said, "Relax, Evans. I'm only temporarily borrowing you."

Dirk looked at Lily. "You ok?"

She sighed and hung over Sirius's back limply. "Leave me. I'll be fine."

"I'll see you at dinner?"

"I'm assuming so." Lily said, "Will you take my bag, please?"

Dirk nodded, with a small laugh. "I will meet you there. I'm going to swing by the loo. Have fun…" But he mouthed to her, '_nothing, huh?_'

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed into Sirius's lower back. "Bye, Dirk."

Sirius whistled, and continued down the hallway. "Thank you for your cooperation, Evans."

"Do I have to be carried?" She asked, "All of the blood is rushing to my face."

He slid her down into his arms and continued carrying her bridal style. "Is this better?"

She covered her face and chuckled. "I don't…Why?! Just why?"

"Because Lily Evans. You are about to be initiated into a very small club-"

"I don't want to be a Marauder."

"Good, because that's not what's happening." Sirius said flatly, "It's the Remus Lupin Appreciation club."

Lily said, "That's a good club. Do we wear crowns or hats?"

"No, but we really should."

"I'm just saying…Or OOH! We could have uniforms, or shirts."

Sirius snorted. "Your enthusiasm is appreciated, Evans."

"Okay you can really put me down now. I feel like I'm being brought as a sacrifice."

"Maybe you are." Sirius teased before putting her down just before the Great Hall. "Redheads are predisposed for it."

Lily said, "Redheads are predisposed for sacrifice?! Where the hell is that written?"

"Probably on a stone tablet somewhere."

Snickering, she shook her head. "How did I get stuck with you? I remember the day when you wouldn't come within five feet of me."

"Because I thought you said you'd hex my balls off."

"Ah how I miss your fear." She mused.

"But now I know you are all talk no bite."

"Oh I'm full of plenty of bite. I just have grown used to your exhausting presence." Lily said pushing his arm warmly.

Sirius grinned and wrapped his arm around her, ruffling her hair. "Exhausting presence? You know you love me, Evans. Don't fight it. Your resistance is futile."

Lily said, "Your ego, is just out of control."

"So I hear."

* * *

She'd been friends with Remus for years, so she had been near the Marauder's for a while, but she'd never been with them. They were always the one's she saw in her peripheral vision. Everyone looked at them and noticed them, it was hard not to. They were this shot of life; full of youth, good looks, charisma and laughter. They were everyone's favorite tv show, and she had gotten a temporary guest spot.

Sirius sat down in his natural place next to James, but Lily went around the table and sat next to Remus. His amber eyes greeted her and she went into his open arms without hesitation. She grinned up at him, before scooting forward to pile some food on her plate. Her eyes flickered over and she saw James and Sirius's plate. Sirius had scraps of meat left, whereas James had every vegetable imaginable on his plate. She smiled, but focused her eyes on her own plate. Lily took a handful of grapes and began mindlessly popping them into her mouth.

"Where's Peter?"

"He's taking it easy, still a bit broken down." Remus told her quietly.

"Ah." Lily nodded, but she paused when she saw a few girls down the table staring at her. When a seventh year, Emmeline Vance eyed her curiously Lily gestured to Sirius and made a wide gesture with her hands.

Emmeline snorted and looked away, her black hair swishing in her wake.

"What was that?" Remus questioned.

"Everyone thinks I'm shagging Sirius." She said offhandedly raising her glass to Sirius, who smirked at her in turn.

"And you are okay with that?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Why wouldn't she be?" Sirius interjected.

"Because you throw yourself at everything …including objects."

Lily said, "Hey! Don't judge him. At least he tries things…"

Sirius grinned, "Yes! Thank you!"

Remus glared at Lily.

"What?! Go on a date!" Lily exclaimed. "Just try it!"

"You know I can't." Remus scoffed, "Why is it so important to you?"

Lily took a bite of her food and sighed. "Because you are my friend, and I think before you give up on love you should give it a try first."

"Lily," He started firmly. "I can't. Drop it."

She scowled but didn't continue.

James piped up. "So what is the story on you two?"

Lily stilled at the sound of his voice and said, "Well when we didn't come back from detention, apparently we had _quite_ the evening."

"Does it bother you?" Sirius asked his voice softening.

"Nah," Lily shook her head, taking a sip of water. "I've heard worse…What the hell?!"

Dirk stumbled into the table and was covered head to toe in ink, her bag completely drenched. "So, I ran into some problems."

"God…" She groaned. "Is it all destroyed?"

"Well I just ran into some lovely blokes…I'm sorry Lil."

"Oh no! Are you alright?"

"Just delightful."

"I'm so sorry, Dirk."

"No I am. Your stuff is ...ruined."

Lily's head dropped into her hands. "Ugh…It's fine. My brain is fried anyway... I will figure it out." She raised her wand and all of the ink disappeared from him. Lily rose from her seat and told them, "I'll see you guys later. I'm going to go try and salvage what's left of my bag."

The minute she left, Dirk disappeared to the Ravenclaw table. And Remus stared at the table, not touching his food.

"Moony?" James questioned.

"She should hate me…I keep waiting for it to hit her…" He leaned against his hand. "But…she's acting like she always does."

"Maybe because she really doesn't care, Moony." Sirius said, "I have to give it to her…She's a trooper. She went with it."

Remus frowned, and chewed his bottom lip.

"Don't stress about it." James reassured him. "She's not subtle. You'd know if she had a problem with you."

"Yeah…"

Remus grew quiet and began to pick at his food. James and Sirius shared a look but they left him alone to his thoughts.

* * *

It could be worse. Yes her books were destroyed and her notes were unreadable, but she had covered everything…twice. So there was really nothing she could do. Maybe Remus or Mary could quiz her, but her bag was done. She'd just use her back up bag and put spare parchment and quills in it. It wasn't remotely ideal, but, it was livable, and that was enough for her.

Lily tossed the bag in the bathroom trash when she heard a sniffle from one of the stalls. Curious, she went over and knocked.

"You okay in there?"

"I'm fine."

Lily's eyebrows rose in surprise. "…Mary?"

"Lil?" Mary whispered, pushing open the door. Her eyes were puffy and her eyelashes were all clumped together.

"What are you doing? I thought you were tutoring."

"I-I was." She choked, "I'm fine-"

Lily stepped into the stall, sitting on the floor with her. "What happened?"

"Just…they kept cursing papers to hit me and when I ignored them they'd make the papers to say something."

"Like what?"

She picked up one and handed it to Lily.

Lily's jaw ticked and she said, "Who did it?"

"I'm used to them calling me a mudblood. Okay? But I try. I try so hard to fit in. I do all of my homework but I don't volunteer too much so I'm not a brown noser. I read everything I can get my hands on so if I don't understand something." She halted to suck in a breath. "Then they can't just say it's because I'm a muggle. It's not because I'll never be good enough but it's because no one gets it…"

Lily didn't say anything she just reached forward and took Mary's hand.

"I just…" Mary swiped away her tears fiercely. "I'm sick of working so hard to make it only for them to just…blindly hate me. What did I ever do to any of them? I'm so sorry that my birth was such an inconvenience…Like I chose to be inferior to you-"

"You're not inferior to them, or anyone else Mary McDonald."

"It's easy for you to say." Mary smiled at her, her eyes still full of tears. "You go at them with fire…and it hurts you but you use it. I…I don't do that."

"Because you still want them to like you. And I understand that. You want to think it's your fault because then you could fix it easier than if it's just because they can't understand a world where they aren't above someone else."

Mary squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. "Just…why me?"

"Because you are sweet and kind and they pick on someone that they think won't fight back."

"Well, they were wrong. I hexed them into the Black Lake."

Lily busted out laughing. "You didn't!"

"I did. I…I'd had it."

"Well I'm proud of you!" Lily said cupping her cheeks. "You did the right thing."

Mary let out a shallow breath. "I think I just want to go back to the dorm. Do you mind if I go back by myself?"

"No, of course not. You alright?"

"Yeah, just need some time to clear my head."

Lily nodded, squeezing Mary's shoulder once. "Okay. I'll see you later, love."

She smiled and was supportive. It wasn't until she rounded the corner next to the bathroom that she started to cry.

Mary was a good person, she helped first years find their classrooms, she often offered to help the house elves clean and she even tutored, something Lily could never fully commit to. But Mary could, because she was right, she did try. She was such a noble person, only interested in doing what should be done and working to make the world a better place than she entered it, even if it was just in getting to know all of the younger students so if they needed to talk she was there to talk too. Lily couldn't imagine anyone not liking her. It wasn't shocking when Dirk started to fancy Mary, but how could anyone not?

It infuriated her.

Yes, in theory she understood why people did it. They pick on other people so they can feel better about themselves. But it doesn't work like that. Telling someone they have a pimple don't make all of your freckles go away and making someone feel horrible about themselves doesn't make your life any better. And how could they not realize that? Yes, they were out for her because of the principle but how could anyone knowingly do that to someone else? It was different when you are upset and you lash out at your friend then genuinely going out of your way to make someone else have a harder time.

It was disgusting and she began to shake she was so mad.

When would they stop? When would they learn? Why couldn't they recognize that though this seemed harmless to them, like pouring ink all over Dirk, it had consequences. And maybe they weren't immediate, but it builds up. Then one day that person will break and they will remember all of the times people knocked their books out of their hands, muttered a slur under their breath or whatever it was that they deemed enough to make them feel like their stick was bigger than everyone else's.

She wanted to make them listen, make them understand what they were doing, but it wouldn't work. Once you are that ignorant you live in denial and some words from her wouldn't do anything to remedy that.

"Evans…?"

Lily looked up and saw James coming towards her. "Wha…what?"

"I was looking for you…Alright?"

"No.." She shook her head, tears freely flowing down. "Mary just…" Her tears became heavy as she tried to talk. "I'm…I'm sorry I can't stop…"

She expected him to leave, or look uncomfortable at the very least but he just shrugged and looked down at her. "Why are you upset?"

She shook her head and then, horrifically, started crying harder. This sniffling, trembling, snotty mess.

This poor guy was just looking for her. Probably to talk to her about something simple and he had to find her in the middle of the sixth break down that month. The more she tried to stop, the worse it got until he did actually look concerned.

James said, "Evans…what…what do you want me to do?...You aren't really breath."

Lily stopped crying for a split second, her teeth gritting together. "What do I want? I want them to cry! I want them to be afraid of me for a change!

James stepped back.

"I'm sick of being weak, and small. I don't want them to hurt; I want them to be terrified of me. I want them to realize that I may be a small redhead with little to no upper body strength but I can still take them down."

"Well…"

"So are you in or not?" She said fiercely, tears still glistening on her cheeks.

James's eyebrows rose. "Uh…"

"This is not my area of expertise, Potter!" Lily exclaimed, "I'm not good a revenge or…or actually fighting back…And you are! So are you going to help me?"

"Er….sure. What exactly do you want to do?"

"I want to tare them a part!"

"Yes, I'm getting that." He laughed, crossing his arms. "But what do you want?"

"They made Mary cry! And I want them to feel pain! And…stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry," He cackled, "Just the idea of you trying to take on everyone is hilarious."

Lily yelled, "You don't think I can do it?!"

"I've seen you hex a line of Slytherin's and save my ass countless occasions…but you look like you escaped from Azkaban."

Lily gaped at him before pushing him. "You…You…" A laugh bubbled up in her chest before it escaped and she couldn't contain it. "Ass!"

Her laugh was so loud and sudden that it made him laugh.

Lily doubled over, her face scrunching together before her hands covered her face. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"It's fine, Evans." James said, raising his hand with an easy smile. "I'll help."

"Thank you."

James smiled at her, and she blushed slightly at the sight.

"So…how do we do this?"

"I have an idea."

* * *

The phrase, 'desperate times call for desperate measures,' had caught her ear plenty of times over her lifetime, but it applied quite well to the situation she had gotten herself in. Why else would she be huddled under an invisibility cloak with her back plastered to James Potter's front?

It was in the middle of the night. She was very aware of the fact that she should be asleep as she had a final in Herbology the next morning, but even more aware of the fact that certain parts of his anatomy were very close to certain parts of hers.

But, she forced herself to focus on the present. Originally he had suggested that she keep look out and he go in, but she demanded that she do it. It was her friend that was getting fucked over and this whole thing was her idea to start.

"Just stay low and near things you can easily slip behind." He advised, his voice low.

She nodded, gulping and rubbing her hands together while she fidgeted where she stood. "Okay. Got it."

He smirked before chuckling. "I can't believe you wore all black."

"It's slimming and flexible!" She said quickly, pushing his arm.

"Then what's with the black marks under your eyes?"

"They do it in football!"

"They do it in Quidditch…I just wanted to see your face get all red."

Lily huffed, "Potter!"

James smiled, and pointed up the stairs. "On the right, six doors up. You know what to do if you get caught."

"Run out screaming and sending sparks down."

He rolled his eyes and said, "Go, Evans."

Lily smiled, ducked under the cloak and charged up the stairs as quickly as humanly possible.

She crept into the sixth year Slytherin boy dorm and, with her heart pounding in her chest, and her eyes wide for any sign of movement, she began to work. First she took all of their robes, shirts, trousers or anything they could use to cover themselves up and hexed anything they might make shift into a shirt. Then with the help of a very powerful spray, she left a lovely message on each of the boy's chests for the entire world to see. And she could have left it there, but she wanted to really make the point sink in.

Lily army crawled across the floor to the bathroom put some itching powder in all of their shaving cream, and face cream. Then…as a finale, she grabbed the bundle of clothes she had taken away from them and threw them out the window. She nearly tripped, but caught herself in the nick of time. Sweat built on her forehead, and Lily gripped the closest bedpost.

She let out a sigh of a relief and was about to head towards the door when someone said, "Who are you?!"

Lily froze. She didn't recognize the voice, but she did register the anger. And for a second she didn't do anything, she just stood there, all in black, her dark red hair in high bun.

"WHAT THE HELL-?!" The same voice shouted, and then she just bolted.

She kicked the stray clothes out of the way frantically and leaped down the stairs. There was no attempt to be quiet now, that one boy had woken them all up and they were all screaming with rage. Lily was halfway down the staircase when she heard all of them barreling down after her.

"POTTER RUN!" Lily declared before she reached the bottom of the stairs.

James tucked his cloak into his shirt and without further ado sprinted to the portrait hole. He pried it open and held it open, "COME ON!"

Lily dashed over to him, her hair wiggling out of its constraints and a few wisps fell into her damp face. They darted out of the common room and twisted up the first staircase.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"ONE OF THEM JUST WOKE UP AND ALERTED ALL OF THEM!"

* * *

Incoherent shouting and swearing echoed in the halls behind them and then they both heard a pack of footsteps coming after them.

"WHAT DO WE DO?!" Lily panicked, her calves aching when she pushed herself to move faster.

"Hold on."

"_James_!"

They went up the steps to the Great Hall and he said, "Hold on, I've got this."

She was about to ask what the plan was. They might have had a head start but the Slytherin boys caught up faster than she would have anticipated. They could keep running but eventually spells would start flying and Lily would doubt once they got a good look at them that they wouldn't know who they were. With her hair and his hair and glasses combo, they would be unmistakable.

James had a plan for that. The second they reached the main floor; he grabbed her hand and dragged her over to the side of the main staircase. Then he pinned her against the cove in the wall, yanked the cloak from his shirt and threw it over them. His arms were on either side of her face, and her hands were planted on the cold wall behind her. They were pressed closely together to the point where their chests nearly touched and in between breaths their knees would brush each other. Lily could see his adam's apple bobbing in his throat and could feel his hurried, but uneven breaths against the crown of her head.

They could have been caught. Yes, he had the cloak, but one quick spell and they'd be found. Not only were the numbers not on their side, but also if they were caught they would be terrorized for the stunt they pulled. And Lily was concerned about that, but it was hard to take that as seriously as she intended to. Especially when James was so close that she could see the spot just below the right side of his jaw where he had missed shaving. The smell of his cologne was inescapable. It wasn't too powerful, she was just too close to ignore it. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. It was a tug, forcing her to look up at him, and appreciate for a few moments that he was a beautiful specimen of a bloke.

Then they ran up the stairs and paused on the main floor.

James looked down at her, his hazel eyes locking onto hers before he moved in closer. Not to kiss her but almost as if to protect her incase they did find them. Lily blinked, and rested her head on his collarbone. For a few tense minutes, she held her breath and felt the muscles in his chest bunch up.

"Where did they go?!"

"Up the stairs, there's nowhere else for them to go."

"They could have gone outside."

"Split up," Avery said. Lily looked over and saw his lip curling in a way that made her want to throttle his throat. "You two go outside, you two come with me."

"I can't run around the castle like this-!"

"You can, and you will Nott." He spat. "Now move!"

Lily clenched her eyes shut and waited for them to go. She didn't breathe until she heard them all disappear.

"Thank you, god." She breathed, when James stepped away.

He furrowed his eyebrows at her.

"Oh no! Not that part…Just that they left." Lily said, flushed and unable to look at him.

"Oh, well we better get out of here…You hungry?"

"Uh," Lily stumbled, "Sure." Confused, exhilarated and a little taken aback, Lily stared at him.

Laughing, James took the cloak off them and offered her his arm. "Shall we?"

She shook her head and took it. "Weirdest night, ever."

* * *

They sat on the floor of the kitchens with a bowl of pudding between them and Lily passed James the spoon. "What do you even do for that many hours?"

"Mostly drills and team building exercises. When you are older though it's about hazing the younger kids."

"Like what?"

"Like putting toilet paper around their dorms and waking them up early for runs…Nothing damaging." He said with a smirk before taking a large scoop of pudding. "It's to help the kids bound. When you don't get sleep and you are with each other all day you can't help but make friends."

Lily curled her knees up to her chest and smiled. "I never went to camp or anything like that, but oddly enough it sounds kind of fun."

"I met Frank Longbottom and a few other guys there actually." He grew quiet for a moment before adding. "I don't have any siblings or family my age so my parents always sent me to whatever camp they could get my into."

"Besides Quidditch what was your favorite camp?"

"Fencing."

Lily laughed, "Of course, that would be it."

"What does that mean, Evans?" He snorted handing her the spoon.

"You're competitive."

"I just go for what I want."

Lily said, "Is that what you call what you do?"

"You do it to. You just are more selective about you fight for, Evans."

She looked at him with his jawline and his hazel eyes and that honest look in his eyes and she couldn't look at him for long. He wasn't supposed to be looking at her like that. Sure he could look at her like he wanted to have sex with her, but not like she was the only person that he wanted to sit on the floor of the kitchens at 4 in the morning.

"God," She said rubbing her eyes, "I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. I don't know how you do it."

James leaned in, his glasses slopping down his nose. "The trick is naps, Evans. You drink a lot of caffeine, take the test and then crash. Before you know it you are refreshed and ready to start all over again."

"How do you ever pass anything?"

"Just because I don't go to the library doesn't mean I don't study."

"You are just full of surprises James Potter."

James paused for a minute. "You alright to go home?"

"…What do you mean?"

"I mean…" He looked down, "With your dad."

Lily bit her bottom lip, "I…I dunno. I guess I haven't…really let myself think about it."

"It has been a weird couple of weeks."

"Well if you told me a month or two ago I'd be sitting here with you…" Lily said with a weak smile, her eyes filling with tears. "I…I think I've been trying so hard not to think about it that I've been just crying and a mess everywhere."

"You haven't been that bad."

She gave him a look before laughing at him. "You are so full of it."

"Okay…you have been yelling more."

"And I really am sorry about that." She said softly, her eyes filling with regret. "I know I've apologized, but it was really shitty of me and-"

James interrupted, "It's fine, Evans."

"No, I really-"

He reached over and put his hand on hers and said, "I'm over it, Evans."

She smiled at him.

"But we should get back." He said, before taking his hand away. "They will have gone back by now."

Lily nodded and stood up, but she had a sinking sad feeling. She needed to go. She needed to get some kind of sleep before her exam, but…There was a but. A part of her that despite exhaustion was really happy sitting and talking to him. Obviously he'd want to get back. He'd already gotten more involved than he probably ever intended and now he lost sleep because of her. The entire walk back, she tried to think of a way to properly show him how much she appreciated it, but the words kept getting lost on her tongue. James was just walking next to her with his hands in his pockets, occasionally he'd look at her with that …warm expression, but he didn't say anything.

* * *

Finally when they were about to separate to their respective rooms, Lily stalled. She shifted her weight from foot to foot and rolled her lips together.

"Potter." She began quietly, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Tonight…" She looked at her hands, "For asking about my dad…Mary and Dirk have never known how to ask and I'm sure they just don't want to make me sad, but…I appreciate you asking when you know you don't have to."

James said, "Are you afraid?"

She tried to speak, and nodded when she found she couldn't.

"Why?"

"_B-because_," she choked, "My entire life he was there. Every room of my house belongs to a memory of him and…When I came back here it was like I was turning back the clock and erasing it. While I'm here he's still alive and I don't have to wonder what would…I dunno what would happen if my mother gets remarried or just…see his chair empty."

"His chair?"

"Yeah he has this worn armchair he always sat in. It's brown and hideous, but really comfortable. I'd always find him in the living room passed out in it…I…I used to come down stairs to get some water and put a blanket on him and turn of the tele." Lily gulped, her eyes shining. "I just…I don't know if I can do it."

James said, "What about your mom?"

"She will be taking care of my sister…They were always closer. It was me and my dad and my mother and my sister and now…It's just me."

He looked at her, not just at her, or her face, but really _looked _at her. And suddenly she forgot how to breathe.

She'd heard about it; that fluttering feeling, but that wasn't what it felt like to her. It felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, but in a good way.

James said, "It's never just you."

"Oh, I know. I have Mary, Dirk and Remus-"

"And you have you."

Lily stared at him blankly.

"You may think you have been messing everything up, and maybe you have been," He said fairly, "But you are still here. Still fighting and that means that no matter happens, as long as you keep doing that you will be fine."

"...really?"

"Yeah."

Lily smiled.

"And... If you ever need reminding. I will probably be up. Stags are crepuscular-"

"Are …what?"

"Look it up." James snorted.

They both smiled at each other for a few moments before, James put his hand on the stair railing and said, "Night, Evans."

And she whispered after him, "Night, Potter."


End file.
